Sleazy Weekend

The coming week -

Monday: Apple stock will go up before the bell, down during the day, then back up after the bell. Apple announces earnings after the bell. Earnings will once again beat analysts' estimates. I do not intend to trade a single share based on those prophesies. I would if I was really stupid or if I was managing a few thousand retirees' life savings, but I'm not.

Tuesday through Thursday: Apple's stock will be up and down more than Paris Hilton at a frat party.

Friday: Apple will announce a bunch of stuff everybody expects and at least one thing that nobody sees coming. Somebody may have accurately predicted what that new thing is based on a combination of having a rough idea what markets Apple is in and random chance.

Here are some of my predictions for the "One more thing."

1. A Chiclet computer. The CPU will be the size of a cuff link. It will charge its Zinc-Air battery using an internal stirling nano-engine and the ∆T across its thickness. The output will display to a pair of bluetooth enabled contact lenses and sound will be processed by cochlear implants.

2. A free copy of the printed program for all invitees to the Keynote address.

3. At long last, the Apple/Microsoft merger. The Microsoft division will henceforth be known as "those assholes in Redmond." Steve Ballmer can legally keep his name as long as he only uses "Monkey Boy" in business correspondence.

Other news - people are actually buying Leopard. Deliberately, on purpose, voluntarily, as opposed to having it rectally inserted as with certain other (Vista) operating systems that shall remain (Vista) nameless.

In the coming weeks Paul Thurott, Rob Enderle, John Dvorak, MSNBC, and a few others will all be able to find a small minority of disgruntled Leopard users. Building upon each others' meaningless drivel, they will turn the bitching of a very few into a series of increasingly shitty "Apple crisis" articles that ultimately mean nothing. They will find ways to compare Leopard unfavorably to Vista.

I will laugh out loud at their inane rants.

Apple's stock will trend upward.

I'm planning to sell at about $5oo/share; only about 20 shares though. I figure at that point it will be time for a new machine (a really, really, ass-kicking machine).

Oops. Time to let the cats out.

Update: Well not really. But this seemed relevant. There are already retards out there comparing Leopard unfavorably to Vista. I thought they'd wait until actually seeing it operate first, anyway. Silly me.