Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Apologies to All. Dang.

Wow. I'm feeling pretty bad these days. All the screaming and whining and pissing and moaning about the bricking of iPhones has me feeling mighty guilty. I suppose it's time for me to accept my culpability in the whole iPhonegate scandal.

Right here on this blog, which approximately seven (it could be as many as 11) people actually read, I made wildly unsupportable claims about the iPhone, and now poor Steve Jobs will have to answer up for my indiscretion. His Steveness tried to set the record straight, but once again was overcome by the sheer raw power of the blogosphere; I know I played my part.

I knew all along that the iPhone wouldn't successfully function as a meat thermometer, air compressor, or arc welder. Did that stop me from making gross overestimations and duping an unsuspecting public just to feed my single-minded obsession with Apple's stock price?

Sadly, no.

Even though the real specifications were clearly spelled out by Apple, I continued to insist that the iPhone would repel mosquitoes, cure chronic bronchitis, and improve your golf swing. I said it would block solar radiation. I said that in case of a water landing it could be used as a flotation device, that objects in the rear view mirror may be closer than they appear, that cigarette smoke contains carbon monoxide, that you can't always get what you want but if you try sometime... Well you get the idea.

I was lying.

There. I said it. I'm a big fat liar. Although, since I've been sticking pretty close to the Atkins Diet, I've started to get a bit thinner, so that could change.

But even I, with all my prevarications and fantabulations, didn't tell anyone that the dogdamn thing would run third party apps at the system level or work with another carrier. And I certainly never claimed that Apple would customize the system software to support every random feckin' hack that somebody decided to install. I mean, I may be a borderline psychotic, psychopathic liar, but give me credit for some brains. Damn.

I just want to say to all the people who are suing Apple because Apple did precisely what they told you they were going to do: Your lawyer will make money. Apple's lawyers will make money. You will get zip point zune. Plus you have to talk to lawyers. Sucks to be you.