Sunday, January 14, 2007

Well, That's Over.

Back to reality kids. My football season officially ended today. The Seahawks lost to Chicago. That sucks. There are no more reasons to turn on the TV on the weekend.

Oh, I'll still watch the rest of the playoffs. We'll still have the Superbowl party. We'll wash down carbs and lard with beer. We'll still spit chips and salsa while we scream obscenities at the television screen. But my heart won't be in it.

Football is the only sport that distracts me from my ordinary pursuits of making fun of everyone and everything. There are other sports out there, but who cares?

Baseball: The American Pastime. I'd rather watch my battery terminals corrode.

NASCAR: Rednecks turning left. This is a sport?

Extreme Sports: Contestants are judged on the degree of near-fatal stupidity of individual stunts, and their survival rate.

Boxing: I'd rather watch wrestling, it's less fake.

Basketball: No. This may change now that my daughter is dating a guy that's going to Gonzaga. I'll have to be at least conversant in what's going on in College hoops.

Hockey: No. Grown men who intend to beat the shit out of each other should not be given sticks, and then be penalized for using them.

Golf: If I have absolutely nothing else (including taunting the cats) I could be doing, and Tiger Woods is in the game, okay.

Bowling: Huh?

Poker: I will not drink beer in a bar that has Poker on TV, unless they have IPA on tap. Then they can pretty much have anything on TV, including Lifetime, Oxygen, Hallmark Classics, and Oprah.

Certain Olympic sports are okay. Not figure skating.

Next Article: Something else.