Friday, January 26, 2007

Another iPhone Rant

How long is this going to go on? All of these goofy bastards just keep babbling on and on about the woefully inadequate iPhone. The general consensus among people who don't get it is that the iPhone will fail to capture market share for a number of unbelievably stupid reasons. Yeah, I'm going to be kind of serious again (that's twice already this month).

I'm just an average consumer/user. I'm not a geek or a marketing guru or a technology analyst. I have no pedigree except that I like to have great technology available so I can do the things I want to do. I don't have a pile of extra money laying around, so I can't afford to piss away the money I do have on junk. It doesn't take a nuclear scientist (yes, I am) to figure out that the best way to accomplish good technology with minimal expense is to buy carefully and get good stuff. I'm going to buy an iPhone as soon as I am able to. I've thought about the reasons why the "experts" think it won't succeed. I think they're all a load of unmitigated drivel.

1. Price. They say it's too expensive for its feature set. If any company other than Apple was selling it, I'd agree. The difference is, it's an Apple product. Odds are good that all the features will actually work. Additionally, the features won't require a geek to make them work. Ordinary dipshits like me will be able to use all the features without a manual.

I had a smart phone for a while. I needed instructions to make a phone call. What's smart about that? If the phone requires me to be smart, I don't want it. I'm not the only one.

No support for 3rd party software. That smart phone I had supported all kinds of inferior software, sort of. It allowed me to load up all kinds of stuff that would have been cool if it worked, did what it said it would do, and didn't screw up my phone calls. Since I needed the manual to make a call, any added complexity just about baffled me. I'm not a geek. Lots of people aren't geeks. Geeks are the niche market, not me.

If the phone needs a geek, even temporarily, I don't want it. How can you call tech support if you can't call home?

Near as I recall, Apple didn't say there wouldn't be any chance for third-party software. Just that it wouldn't be an open system. I'm guessing Apple wants to control the quality of software on their phones so that non-geek end-users like me don't screw their phones up with cheap-ass widgets. I like that.

The same idiots that are complaining about the lack of software now will blame Apple later when inferior code screws their phones up.

No support for 3G. Until I read that Apple wouldn't support 3G, I had no idea what 3G was. If you ask 10 randomly selected people on the street what 3G is, on average ten of them won't have a clue. I read at least one technology or technology business article every day, and I still had to Google 3G when I read the iPhone wouldn't support it.

If my cell phone will easily send and receive voice communication, by definition it is connected to the right band or frequency or whatever networky whaddyacallit thingy.

Another meaningless crap reason The Apple Faithful. Fanboys. Steve Jobs plays the drum; they march. *If Apple builds it, they will come.

Anybody who uses that as a real part of a serious analysis is an idiot. Any serious analysis would eventually make the leap to the fact that Apple's stuff works better and more easily. That is the purpose of consumer technology. Apple gets it. More specifically, Steve Jobs gets it. More and more paying customers are starting to get it.

Anyone stupid enough to credit "fanboys" with Apple's success in the last few years deserves to wear a dusty boot print on his silly ass. Take a look at the last ten years of Apple's market capitalization. It's up. A lot. Apple Store's earnings-per-square-foot are the envy of the retail world. Apple is making money hand over fist.

Analysts who earnestly and honestly believe Apple's growth is all (or even mostly) due to "The Apple Faithful" and "Fanboys," are either stupid or crazy or both. In order to make more money, more people have to buy stuff. Even starting with a core of "fanboys," you have to add customers (non-fanboys) buying stuff to sell more stuff. To grow as fast as Apple has in the last 10 years it takes a lot of new customers. Maybe they're all new fanboys, but they weren't in the club ten years ago.

When that logic is applied to negative reviews of the iPhone, it's even crazier. Oh yeah, there are those of us who will buy it because we believe. I've been using Apple products for 20 years. I'm not hitting the "I Believe" button because His Steveness has spoken. I have a lot of history to assure me that I'll be getting a good product.

The "iPod halo" isn't about just "cool." The broader market is discovering Apple. A lot of people have an Apple product that works reliably, easily, and well. The iPod works the way it is advertised to work, with few glitches. As for the "cool" factor: It looks cool; it feels cool. All the parts fit together tightly and correctly. Every other mp3 player looks cheap and cheesy and uncool by comparison. Every other mp3 player has a given name, but first and foremost every other mp3 player is "not an iPod." That will bleed over to the iPhone.

Just one more thing. You never hear about Nokia Faithful, Dell Fanboys, HP True Believers, Windows Fanatics. I'm thinking that instead of making fun of those of us who are happy and noisy about our purchases of Apple products, maybe the Apple-bashing buttheads could figure out why. They might be able to make some real money if they figure it out and sell it.

*The double entendre was intentional. Thank you. Have a nice day.