Thursday, January 31, 2008

Thank you, John Gruber.

I just had the best laugh of my day from Microsoft, via Daring Fireball. Followed a link to the Microsoft tech support page for opening the Vista box. No wonder Vista is so popular. You need instructions to get to the instructions. I don't care who you are, that's funny.

On to the further lame reports of Apple's imminent demise.....

The Garmin nüvifone. It's the next iPhone killer. Nobody has demonstrated a working model. Nobody has tested it. Nobody has taken one apart to see how it works – if it works, if there are any available. There are pictures of something claiming to be a nüvifone on a few websites. It will be for sale later, like September or something.

Keep in mind that the iPhone was – according to the tech-press a few short weeks ago – just a silly SJ ego trip. So, here we have the dogdamn tech-press and the finance blogs blathering about a device that does not exist as a threat to the iPhone. A LETHAL threat, no less. Repeat: the device does not exist. There are no reports of a working model in the field. No keynotes with someone demonstrating a working model. There is more and better documentation of the existence of space aliens at Area 51 than the nüvifone.

Read my lips: DOES. NOT. EXIST.

There are none. Nil. Zero. The empty set. Zune. Squat. Nada. Zip. Point. Shit. The damn things are nothing more than a picture on a web page. Garmin probably has a few to show to friends, family, punditbots eager to write something, anything negative about Apple. But there ain't none in the pockets of regular meat and potatoes Americans. Please, please, please get a grip on reality people.

In case you hadn't thought this through – an actual shipping product, with one of the most recognizable trademarks in the world stamped on it, that has sold 4 million units on two continents in sixteen weeks has a modest advantage over a non-existent, fantasy, PhotoShopped nothing from a company that is making it's first plunge into mobile computing beyond GPS and has never sold a phone.

Dear Dumbass Punditbot,

RE: The nüvifone.

iPhone killer? First, that is beyond unoriginal. Okay? It has been done already. The whole iSomething killer genre thingy is over. It's lame. It announces to the world, "I have nothing to say, but I have to turn in 500 words by Wednesday at 5 pm." Second, the fecking thing is ether. It's Santa Claus. The Tooth Fairy. The Easter Bunny. It's Vista SP2, for crying out loud. If you absolutely must call something an iSomething killer, could you at least make it something that can actually be purchased?


Your One and Only Functioning Brain Cell.
P.S. While I was busy dictating the letter you peed your pants.
Anybody out there have Lexis-Nexis at work? Look up "iPhone killer" and "nüvifone." Find out who used it first. Whoever it was should be pimp-slapped until every fanboy with his OS 9.2 proof-of-purchase seals has bloody knuckles. The guys who used it second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth, too. I'm thinking I'm about the forty-third blog to use it today, but I was being sarcastic, belligerent, and an asshole, so that shouldn't count – right?

Note: I have nothing against Garmin. I'm sure they make fine products. Garmin didn't issue the phrase "iPhone killer" in their press release. You can't make great products and be that stupid. They said it will compete with the iPhone. Nothing wrong with that. Apple can only benefit from a lively marketplace.

iPhone killer. Pfft. Dorks.

Hmm. I wonder if the gnocchi had too much parmesan. I'm a little cranky.