Sunday, January 13, 2008

The Last Good Football Game

The New Jersey Giants beat the Irvin Cowboys. The San Diego second string offense narrowly edged out the zebras in a hard fought battle.

The Chargers going to New England? Whew. The Geneva Convention should be invoked. This is NOT merciful behavior toward the wounded.

Green Bay in January? Outside? That's just cruel. Should be fun.

I'll bet my last clean pair of white crew socks on the outcomes of next weekend's games. The big roman numeral LXII (That's pronounced ell-ten-eleven) game is pretty predictable, too. I hope I'm wrong.

Here is all you need to know to turn off the sound on the TV:

Ball control: The team that spends the larger part of the game on offense has a better chance of winning.

Running game: You have to have a running game to have ball control. You also must have a running game to support your passing game.

Turnovers are huge. The team that wins the turnover battle will win the game.

It depends on the spot –– In a game where the entire game is decided by the spot of the ball – where ~6000 pounds of grunting, sweating, cursing, injured humanity is engaged in a fierce struggle over the spot of the ball – wise sage former football players who obviously got hit in the head too often will exclaim, "it depends on the spot" at least twenty times per game. They will announce this in the same solemn tone of voice as if they were interviewing survivors from a burning building.

Statistics are huge:

The broadcasters have statisticians on hand for almost any conceivable juxtaposition of circumstances. "Well, Dan, the Packers are 5-0 in playoff games in election years where all of the leading candidates have five or more letters in their names and the temperature varies by more than six degrees over the course of the game and Bret Favre is healthy and they lead by more than 4 points going into the fourth quarter with the wind at their backs and the football inside the twenty."

Another important statistic:

Wise-ass, hot dog quarterbacks who are known boisterous philanderers and scotch drinkers are 1-0 in the big game when they drink and fornicate domestically (See: Superbowl III).

Wise-ass hot-dog quarterbacks who travel to foreign countries in full view of the paparazzi to do the alligator drill with stars are 0-1 in the playoffs.

Anyway. I'm not sure I'm going to have the sound on for the rest of the playoffs.

It depends on the spot.

I also heard that Apple is teaming up with Nike again. The MacBook Air Jordan? If I have to pump up my computer I'm going to be pissed.

Just got my wife a new MacBook. I get the old PowerBook G4. It runs Leopard. A little slow, but it runs. Yippee.

I think I can do one more cup of coffee.