Tuesday, January 08, 2008

The New and Improved Rip Ragged

Dang. I'm starting to actually attract new readers. I'll have to clean up my act some. No more references to JC Dumbass. From now on, I'll just refer to the whole motley crew of Windows shills as "Those assclowns." So when Dvenderlou publishes some dross about the Mac or Apple having some insurmountable problem, the author will be simply, "an assclown." As always, no links to the assclowns unless they've published tripe so utterly inane that you have to read it to believe it.

There is an asshat – whose work appears on the web today – wondering if Steve Jobs days as the king of digital media are numbered. Another lazy shill on another site opined that the death of DRM will hurt Apple because the record companies aren't selling their unprotected tracks on iTunes. Boo feckin Hoo. It doesn't matter to my 'pod as long as it isn't some archaic DRM format like WMA or PlaysForShit.

I'd just like to say, to anyone who has been reading those assclowns – please ignore them. They are either paid shills or just dumb. By which I mean they either know better (liar) or they don't (ignoramus). Either way their opinions are tainted. Look at Apple's cash on hand. Look at the market caps of the movie studios. Apple could buy the movies. Not a few frigging DVDs; I mean Apple could buy "The Movies."

First, Apple didn't cave on movie prices in any real way – and they're not going to cave on music pricing. Ninety-nine cents a song is a fair price and everybody gets to make money at that price except the artists, who are going to get reamed in any case. The only artists that aren't getting screwed are the ones who no longer deal with the record labels. Radiohead springs to mind.

Movie rentals are going to make AppleTV. AppleTV/iTunes is going to redefine movie rentals. Apple's profit per movie will be a pittance, just like their profit per song. Apple doesn't care. They want to sell hardware. The movie companies are the greedy selfish pigs in this particular scenario. El Jobso just doesn't want a business model that will fail to attract customers. You know, like Vista.

I just got my new copy of business-weak. They have pictures of computers that are going to compete with Macs on style points and flashy looks. Really. I haven't been to the website to look, but if the pictures from the magazine are there they'll make a real fanboy pee from laughing. I swear on a stack of pancakes and pork sausage – there's a laptop pictured with a yellow paisley leather case. Yellow. Paisley. Leather. That isn't the funny part. The funny part is that the sumbeech sells for thirteen frigging grand and change. Honest: $13,200. The article says the target market is wealthy women. We're talking about women who have flat EEGs and rich sugar-daddies who keep their brains behind their flies. There's another one with a pink leather-covered case and (I swear this is all true) a pink leather mouse. The pink one is for young women who know nothing about computers, but must have a pink leather one.

How about the HP Touchsmart. There's a picture of that, too. It's going to compete with the Mac on looks. It looks like it was designed for the helm of the Seaview. I don't know about you but I don't really feel the need to reach out and touch my screen, except maybe to wipe the little spit and snot specks off of it from time to time. Anyway, the Touchsmart looks like butt to me. I think I'd hire the screen cleaned on that one.

Never mind that all of those computers will run best with a six-year old operating system and a regular update to the anti-virus software. I mean, they're so darned cute. Just darling. You just want to make a cup of hot cocoa and cuddle up to them.

There's one other noodle I wanted to mention. I don't even remember where it was, but some punditbot said that Apple must feel really threatened by CES if they have to announce new hardware a week before the MacWorld Expo.



His Steveness noticed during rehearsal that his keynote was running a little long – so he had to find some stuff to eliminate. Dual-quad 3.2 GHz processors and a slight internal reconfiguration of the badassest desktop on the planet didn't need to be gift wrapped. That's the whole motivation and it doesn't mean anything other than that. Well, except that now we REALLY want to shake that package under the tree. It's only a few more days, kiddies. Be patient.

There. That's enough.

Waitress. We're out of ketchup, here.