Absolutely the Last Speculation on MWSF

First of all, I want to go on record that I am not in any way upset with the decision by Apple to not invite me to appear on stage with His Steveness. I relish my position as the world's leading unread, uncompensated, and irrelevant Apple fanboy; I would never cheapen that by sniveling about such an obvious, egregious, and premeditated snub.

Prediction 1

The live blogging will suck. There will be a couple of sites that get it right for a couple of minutes, but bouncing around from one to another to keep up will be a complete waste of time – time that could be better spent on something that my company actually pays me to do.

Prediction 2

I won't drool on my shirt while surfing the live blogs this year. At least not really early.

Prediction 3

The stock price (NASDAQ: AAPL) will close down on the day tomorrow. Because it went up today? No. Because the market is dumber than shit. I could be wrong about the direction of the stock, but I'm empirically certain of the intelligence of the stock market as a whole.

Prediction 4

The assclowns will nitpick every offering and claim that, once again, Apple is doomed – that El Jobso has poked the Pekingese puppy one more time.

Note to smartass lawyers: When I said "the assclowns," I did not mention anyone by name. I would never suggest nor would I ever even drive a pickup truck off of a high cliff on a windy day with someone who suggests that George Ou, Rob Enderle, or John C. Dvorak are ASSCLOWNS. I'm sure that when they report incorrectly about the Stevenote they will do it with all the journalistic integrity they've shown in all their other wildly inaccurate ANALyses.

Prediction 5

Vista and Zune will continue to suck.

Prediction 6

The assclowns will get paid for their stuff. I will continue to pontificate on a pro bono basis. Why? Because this is America. Dammit.

Now what the hell happened to that box of rubber bands? I had it here just a minute ago.