Friday, June 08, 2007

Astrological Forecasts (Special Feature)

By Chase Buck

Good thinking dumb ass. Just couldn't shut up, could you? You probably will never be allowed back into that bar again.

You're an addict. Okay? Any time anyone spends $100 a day on anything it's an addiction. Crack counts.

Your neighbors are beginning to be alarmed at your gun collection. That's the only reason they haven't complained about your pigs mating in their back yard.

Pinch that overripe strawberry on your forehead before it explodes and kills somebody.

Take five minutes every day away from everyone. Close your eyes. Concentrate. Shut the fuck up.

You should go buy yourself a new Mac Pro tower with the dual quad processors, 16 Gb of RAM, and a 30 inch monitor. You've earned it.

When the Coroner and the Sheriff left together and talked outside they agreed that your story was total bullshit. Run.

You should go buy your husband a new Mac Pro tower with the dual quad processors, 16 Gb of RAM, and a 30 inch monitor. He's earned it.

Several times this month your telephone will ring, and when you answer it there will be no one on the other end. That's an autodialer polling homes to see which homes answer their phones during what hours. This helps them determine what time of day to have a real human telemarketer call your house. Either that or it's a psycho killer making sure there's someone in the house because he's about to detonate the bomb under the kitchen sink.

The in-laws are coming for dinner. Depending on the message you want to send, now might be a good time to hide the pentagram on the floor and clean up the goat blood all over the place.

Everybody knows you have an herb garden. Everybody knows you have two varieties of basil and three varieties of tarragon. Everybody. Nobody cares. Nobody.

This month several friends will hint that you're dangerously obese. Avoid spandex.