Astrological Forecasts (Special Feature)

By Chase Buck

Aries
Good thinking dumb ass. Just couldn't shut up, could you? You probably will never be allowed back into that bar again.

Taurus
You're an addict. Okay? Any time anyone spends $100 a day on anything it's an addiction. Crack counts.

Gemini
Your neighbors are beginning to be alarmed at your gun collection. That's the only reason they haven't complained about your pigs mating in their back yard.

Cancer
Pinch that overripe strawberry on your forehead before it explodes and kills somebody.

Leo
Take five minutes every day away from everyone. Close your eyes. Concentrate. Shut the fuck up.

Virgo
You should go buy yourself a new Mac Pro tower with the dual quad processors, 16 Gb of RAM, and a 30 inch monitor. You've earned it.

Libra
When the Coroner and the Sheriff left together and talked outside they agreed that your story was total bullshit. Run.

Scorpio
You should go buy your husband a new Mac Pro tower with the dual quad processors, 16 Gb of RAM, and a 30 inch monitor. He's earned it.

Saggitarius
Several times this month your telephone will ring, and when you answer it there will be no one on the other end. That's an autodialer polling homes to see which homes answer their phones during what hours. This helps them determine what time of day to have a real human telemarketer call your house. Either that or it's a psycho killer making sure there's someone in the house because he's about to detonate the bomb under the kitchen sink.

Capricorn
The in-laws are coming for dinner. Depending on the message you want to send, now might be a good time to hide the pentagram on the floor and clean up the goat blood all over the place.

Aquarius
Everybody knows you have an herb garden. Everybody knows you have two varieties of basil and three varieties of tarragon. Everybody. Nobody cares. Nobody.

Pisces
This month several friends will hint that you're dangerously obese. Avoid spandex.