Apple Not Trading at a New All Time High

Today, shares of Apple did not sell like boat ride tickets to Miami at a Guantanamo Bay marina.

Steve Jobs has failed. All the analysts on Wall Street were anxiously awaiting an announcement of iPod proportions. They got it. They just didn't recognize it.

Apple has formally entered the browser war. IE 7 blows turkey franks compared to Safari. Explorer is slow, clunky, feature poor and not very customizable. The technical term for that is "sucky." Safari is actually cool. I prefer Firefox most of the time, but I use Safari every day, too.

The web is crawling with news that Safari for Windows is buggy. No. Please. Feckin' Hell. No. Not bugs. Not on a Windows program. Run for your lives. Save yourselves. Think about it. Is that about the dumbest damn thing you've ever heard?

How the hell would you know that Safari brought the bugs? Maybe the infestation was caused by the environment. You know, like when you took your suitcase into that mom-and-pop-palmetto-bug-infested fleabag in Orlando. Your Joe Boxers were probably buggy after you got there, but you didn't bring any of the nasty things in with you. (No. Wait. That was me. Not you.)

With all the other frigging bugs on Windows, how do you pick out the Safari-specific ones? Do they have extra appendages and bright-colored plumage? Maybe – when Safari is running – Windows hangs, crashes, spontaneously reboots, and just generally sucks -- like it does when every other program in the world runs on it. Damn. I run the good old tried-and-true six-year-old XP on a brand new Dell at work. It's a government job; I don't have a choice. Once a week I have to reboot because the "program is not responding." It will continue not responding until the whole frigging system gets its union-guaranteed coffee break.

I have a theory that when Microsoft was developing the last iteration of their OS, they named it after the emoticon that showed up most on internal emails: XP.

Safari for Windows has bugs. Dang. Excuse me if I don't get all weepy.

The analysts see Safari for Windows sort of the way salmon see cruise liners. By the time they're far enough back to see the whole picture, it's too far away to matter.

They'll be back. You'll be able to tell. They move all together. Like lemmings.