Monday, June 18, 2007

Apple Shares Trading at New All-Time High

If you think Apple announcing that the batteries would last longer is the reason Apple's stock closed at over $125/share you must be smoking the last of the crack. Professional mutual fund managers largely drive the price of stock. These people are paid to analyze a company down to the quality of the toilet paper in the handicapped stalls. Their decisions are made on numerous technical and non-technical factors.

Non-technical reasons that Apple may be trading at a gawdawful high price:

  • The landscaping at 1 Infinite Loop is really nice.
  • Glass. Not plastic.
  • A lot of fund managers have iPods.
  • A lot of fund managers want iPhones.
  • Apple's stock needed to go up a few bucks so that when the selling frenzy comes, nobody loses too much money.
  • Fund manager at The Corner Bistro with a mouthful of french fries, shouting into his Blackberry: "What do you mean you're not buying Apple? Everybody is buying frigging Apple."
  • Fund manager to fund-family manager: "Okay! I'll buy some more fucking Apple. Get off my ass!"
  • Fund managers are lemmings.
Technical considerations driving up the price:
  • The Advance/Decline Line
  • Entropy
  • Linear Regression
  • Bradyphrenia
  • Showalter Stability Index
  • The Aroon Oscillator
  • Cant Strips
  • The TD Moving Average
  • The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle
  • Five Sigma
  • Aphasia
  • Synoptic Scale
  • Total Mixed Ration
  • Bathymetry
  • Syzygy
  • Quasi-Stationary Front
  • Hyposmia
  • PoincarĂ© and Kelvin waves
  • The melting point of Gadolinium
Also, Apples can be damaged either pre-harvest or post-harvest by certain stresses including extremes of heat, cold, and sunburn.

Okay. Who hid the Rolaids®?