Nope. Not today.

Oddly, I won't have an iPhone today. There are no Apple or AT&T stores in this neighborhood.

I don't know how sales are going tonight so far, but I'm assuming iPhones are selling faster than light beer at a chili cook-off. There are starting to be some glitches in my old Razr. It doesn't bounce far when dropped on asphalt and it doesn't float. Well, it does for a second, but it doesn't come back up after you push it under a couple of times. It may have to be replaced soon. Darn.

Just because I'm on the road this weekend, it doesn't mean I'm neglecting the hard-hitting analysis that has made this blog the destination of choice for a handful of people who are really bored and have five or six minutes to kill. With your busy schedule in mind, here's the news.

Zune
Microsoft, says the Idolator (nope, no link, but it looks like a cool blog at first glance), is looking for a media editor to help them market their sorry-ass iPod wannabe. Apparently they want someone with at least a passing familiarity with the device. I don't like their chances of finding someone who knows anything about Zune and can say positive things about it with a straight face.

Vista
An article on either Ars Technica or Slashdot (no, I don't care enough to check) says that Vista's vaunted improvements in security may not quite be all they're chalked up to be, when compared to OS X.

The way comparisons are done by Microsoft's security experts, Vista is considered secure unless a totally stock computer – with an unmodified OS installed and no open applications – spontaneously locks up, shuts down, and begins to glow, smoke, and scream like R2D2 getting shot by a blaster.

OS X vulnerability is demonstrated when any application fails to operate, even for a moment, as shown in an advertisement for that application.

Macintosh

Mine still works. Power supply problems are all cleared up. There's this minor problem of having a high-current extension cord running across the living room and through the kitchen into the dining room. Picky, picky, picky. What the hell good is a pretty house if the Mac ain't working? Geez.

I have to go. The nice young men in their nice white coats are here to take me back to my room.

On The Road

Well, this is the weekend we move Mom out of the basement and into her new (well, really frigging old to tell the truth) house.

The most impressive part of the whole experience so far is the drive from the Tri-Cities to Aberdeen. That's where all Mom's stuff is, in my brother's basement. It's summertime on the eastern half of Washington State. Sunshine every day; temperatures in the 90s. The weather forecast in Aberdeen, Washington is: overcast and drizzle. 84 inches of rain a year, here.

This is the southern extreme of the Olympic Peninsula, home of the Olympic rain forest – the only rain forest in North America. Rainforest is the correct term and is not in the slightest overstating the case. The best place to be if you find yourself in Aberdeen, WA, is indoors.

On balance, wifey-poo brought her PowerBook. Since I'm not going outside, I might as well use my free time to update the useless blog.

I was surfing the web earlier today and learned that Steve Jobs is a benevolent, visionary, genius, and mercurial, angry idiot. I've been trying to reconcile all that. I think the choice of words you use to describe His Steveness largely depends on how much Apple stock you own and when you bought it.

I've owned my insignificant number of shares since early in y2k. They were much more insignificant then. I tend to see El Jobso as pretty okay. People who are not gaining financially from the Apple juggernaut tend to see him as an asshole.

That's to be expected. All of these analysts and journalists tend to be rather churlish when they don't get their way. Also, have you really looked at "analyst" etymologically? It could be construed, by breaking it down, to mean: One whose belief system is based on buttholes.

Just sayin'.

I Can't Have One

I can't have a new iPhone. Well. Not for a few weeks anyway.

Having just viewed the 20 minute preview video, you should understand that the pain is almost physical and nearly unbearable. Of course, if my sucky old Razr should become damaged in a freakish accident, I'll have to replace it with something. Right? Gosh. I sure hope that doesn't happen (Wink; nudge).

Surfing around the various sites on the web, I've come up with a few things that might surprise you if you have styrofoam packing peanuts where most people have brains.

• The anti-Apple blogosphere is not terribly positive about the iPhone. They report things that are truly disappointing.
• People who work for companies that are not going to sell the iPhone openly state in public that the iPhone doesn't scare them.
• Shills for Microsoft say the iPhone is lame.
• Some companies are out there spreading outright lies about the capabilities of the iPhone.
• There are people who (and I'm not making this up) will have you believe that WinCE on an inferior device is actually better than OS X on the iPhone.
• A similar group of people will try to convince you that it's better to type on one of those sorry-ass keyboards on a "smart" phone than on a glass touch screen.
• All the other smart phones on the market that are just as good as the iPhone at everything, and better at most things seem to be all over the place. Nobody seems to be able to find one, but they're everywhere.

None of the people who riff on the iPhone seem to be able to find anyone who really has much good news. Also, they haven't held one in their hands. Which is to say that virtually everyone who is bitching is doing so with no actual knowledge and second-hand analysis from others with no actual knowledge. The technical, journalistic term for that kind of reporting is "crap."

Good news can be had though. It comes from Steven Levy, David Pogue, Walt Mossberg, and others who have actually been given review models to play with. Not to say that there might not be a slant associated with those reviewers, but at least they can see what they're talking about.

Zune Update

Any day now, sales should break the triple digits. With numbers like that, it is theoretically possible for two people with similar musical tastes to be within "squirting" distance and actually wirelessly share DRM.

Leopard Update

Did you hear? The feature-complete beta of Leopard is out there in the P2P universe to be downloaded by the impatient and unscrupulous. I'll wait until October. If the feature-complete version of Leopard should somehow hose my system, I need somebody besides me to be to blame.

Vista Update

Vista=Windows
Windows=Guano

One more thing

The basic iPhone bundle still (despite my nearly constant emails to Steve) will not include:

• An attached shoe horn.
• An "INCOMING!!" ringtone, with a whistling mortar shell and explosion.
• Any flavors besides licorice and blueberry.
• Universal remote keyless entry.
• NFL Team logos.
• The complete works of Douglas Adams.
• Frogger.
• The Doobie Brothers: What were Once Vices are Now Habits
• Something in baby blue; crotchless.

But don't worry. I'm still working on it. Oops. Time for my pills.

I

Tuesday Update

This Tuesday and every Tuesday immediately following the Summer Solstice of 2007 we will update news from the entire overpriced-nonessential-widget industry.

iPhone

Here is what I can glean from reading the internet postings of various ranting idiots:

1. If Rosie O'Donnell slipped on the high diving board she couldn't make a bigger flop than the iPhone.
2. The iPhone will be the biggest thing to hit the consumer market since the invention of the grocery cart.
3. The iPhone is going to change the world.
4. The iPhone doesn't (insert some silly bullshit that nothing else does) so it isn't worth a tinker's 401(k).
5. Every other company that ever thought about cell phones has something that does the same stuff an iPhone does better and cheaper.
6. Apple is taking a huge risk releasing the iPhone.
7. The iPhone is locked into AT&T. Feckin' Hell! We're all gonna die.

Well, I guess some people have to write something, even if it's utterly meaningless. I offer this blog as Exhibit A.

Here's the one fact that you, as a loyal Apple stockholder, need to know: The lines are forming.

Mac

Mine's working now, despite my best efforts to destroy it through abject stupidity.

Zune

The Zune is available in black, white, brown, pink, and red. I'm sorry. You already knew that? News? Okay. Engadget says that Microsoft is going to release new versions of the Zune. The one with a hard drive will be named for a venomous land shrimp. A flash-memory Zune will be named after a smoke-belching lizard.

iPod

Okay. I'm kidding. There isn't any iPod news. The same rules still apply. The iPod is still the four-letter answer to 6 Across: mp3 player.

Vista

Sucks.

Seahawks

The Seattle Seahawks will win the Superbowl. Don't ask me to explain, because me talking football would not compare favorably to Jimmy Johnson discussing nuclear physics.

I have to work in the morning.

Dang.

Well that's over. Put in the new RAM, hooked up the new monitor and ran my old G5 for a few days and then WHANG it locked up Friday afternoon. I figured it was a RAM problem or a loose wire in the new power supply (you don't want to know).

Turns out that the socket it's been plugged into is more screwed up than Britney Spears and Lindsey Lohan at a frat party. It's amazing the damn thing ever worked. The ground is bad, the polarity of the plug was backwards; the only thing that wasn't hosed about the receptacle is that it matched the decor of the room (almond on oak).

So it's all hooked back up in my living room again. Yipee.

I saw a couple of mentions of the iPhone around the various sites today. Is there something to all that noise?

I'm all better now.

Okay, all seriousness aside folks.

I just upgraded my rusty, crusty, trusty old G5. It now has 8 Gigabytes of RAM. It now sports a new AirPort Extreme and a 23" HD Cinema Display.

I'm a little kid with a new toy.

Zune Update

Zune.net reports: No news (translation: Zune still sucks.) Apparently Microsoft has made one that's red. It's a limited edition, which means they're going to build six. If they sell five of them, they'll break even. That should help the old bottom line.

iPhone Update

Apple has made significant upgrades to the iPhone, and has offered a number of cool options in the last few days.

The touch screen will now be made of glass instead of plastic. For an extra $100 you can get it with tinted glass, fuzzy dice, and a sticker that says, "Get in. Sit Down. Hang on. Shut up."

The battery will now last infinitely in daylight with the optional 24"x 50"photovoltaic array.

The optional built in video camera and wristband will be a real treat for Dick Tracy fans.

On the back, the optional magnetic drawing board will provide hours of fun for the kiddies with the attached magnet pen.

For 2008, Apple is expected to develop a light saber attachment that will allow the iPhone to destroy Siths and Sith Lords. Microsoft's cheesy-ass knock-off, which will reliably crash the Zune and WinCE, will be out in beta some time in 2010. It will be available in pink.

Mac News

I'm here to tell you that if you have 8 Gigs of RAM and a 23" HD Cinema Display it's hard to be anything but chill. This is cool.

Happy dance.

Note

I have been accused of seriousness in a recent post. That hurts. I don't even get accused of that at work, and I am serious at work. Well... I'm supposed to be serious at work. Once in a while anyway.

Perspective

I think we're concentrating too much effort on telephones and computers and web browsers lately. It's time to look up and notice that there's a big wide wonderful world out there.

1. Iran, which doesn't officially condemn blowing up women and children in the name of Allah, is rapidly developing the ability to deploy nuclear weapons.

B. The new diet drug "Alli" works just as well as all the other diet drugs. Which is to say, not well. It has dangerous side effects. The big one being that users stay fat and don't get any smarter. "Eat less and exercise" is the only long term weight loss program that is proven to work. Also, "eat less and exercise" has very few side effects.

III. Gasoline still costs over $3 a gallon. Boycotting Exxon/Mobil won't work for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that most people are either too stupid to understand the concept or smart enough to know the concept is hogwash.

d. The Chinese are trying to kill Americans by selling us toothpaste with anti-freeze in it and toy choo-choos with lead paint. Run for your life. On your way back pick up a six-pack of IPA.

5. France has elected a conservative government. So the next time they surrender, at least they'll have Vive Rush Limbaugh and NRA stickers in the back windows of their Volvos.

vi. Congress isn't passing bills. This is a good thing. Trust me. No matter how much you support legislation on any issue, Congress not passing bills is saving you money.

Lastly: The Presidential Election of 2008 is almost a year and a half away. Already the Democrats are lying about how they'll pull the troops out Iraq and the Republicans are lying about how we'll win the war. If you're young and haven't calibrated your bullshit detector yet, you're in luck.

For the next 17 months you won't be able to turn on a television anywhere on the North American continent without hearing a horse's ass from one or the other major party hooting about his plan for leading the country into a brave new future, and how every other candidate will lead us into immediate starvation, abject poverty, moral collapse, physical ruin, and warm light beer.

Why it's all B.S.

A: The President's main job, apart from deploying troops, is to adopt the appropriate facial expression and tone of voice for the situation. Mostly his chief of staff explains which hand he should put in a pocket on a moment by moment basis.

B: The President's only real powers are to send troops, pardon the convicted, and veto congress. A really good president can probably rebuild a carburetor and shoot a fair game of eight ball. They can't save the country though.

All of the above: The war, the economy, and the price of pickled okra dictate the actions of elected officials. Every time you try to do it the other way around you get shit all over your new shoes.

Anyway, set your BS detector on the high scale for the next few months. If you don't own waders, don't turn on the TV.

Zune News:
According to the Zune Insider today: Nothing. Farther down from the top there's a mention of a red Zune. Apparently you can get them at Target. Nothing on the site says why you'd want to.

I have to go to work in the morning.

Apple Shares Trading at New All-Time High

If you think Apple announcing that the batteries would last longer is the reason Apple's stock closed at over $125/share you must be smoking the last of the crack. Professional mutual fund managers largely drive the price of stock. These people are paid to analyze a company down to the quality of the toilet paper in the handicapped stalls. Their decisions are made on numerous technical and non-technical factors.

Non-technical reasons that Apple may be trading at a gawdawful high price:

• The landscaping at 1 Infinite Loop is really nice.
• Glass. Not plastic.
• A lot of fund managers have iPods.
• A lot of fund managers want iPhones.
• Apple's stock needed to go up a few bucks so that when the selling frenzy comes, nobody loses too much money.
• Fund manager at The Corner Bistro with a mouthful of french fries, shouting into his Blackberry: "What do you mean you're not buying Apple? Everybody is buying frigging Apple."
• Fund manager to fund-family manager: "Okay! I'll buy some more fucking Apple. Get off my ass!"
• Fund managers are lemmings.

Technical considerations driving up the price:

• The Advance/Decline Line
• Entropy
• Linear Regression
• Bradyphrenia
  
• Showalter Stability Index
• The Aroon Oscillator
• Cant Strips
• The TD Moving Average
• The Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle
• Five Sigma
• Aphasia
  
• Synoptic Scale
• Total Mixed Ration
• Bathymetry
• Syzygy
• Quasi-Stationary Front
• Hyposmia
  
• Poincaré and Kelvin waves
• The melting point of Gadolinium

Also, Apples can be damaged either pre-harvest or post-harvest by certain stresses including extremes of heat, cold, and sunburn.

Okay. Who hid the Rolaids®?

Zero.

Okay. Almost zero. Tomorrow is Father's Day. So tomorrow, barring a huge disturbance in The Force, I'm not writing anything. I'm not even going to sign my name on a restaurant check tomorrow.

Here are a few updates:

iPhone: Nothing new.

iPod: Nothing new.

New Macs: Nothing new.

Apple TV: Nothing new.

Airport: Nothing new.

Leopard: Nothing new.

Apple stock: Nothing new.

Steve Jobs' wardrobe: Nothing new.

Blonde jokes: Nothing new.

Jokes involving clerics of multiple faiths and naked women: Nothing new.

Global warming: Nothing new.

In spite of this apparent lack of change in the world, numerous people who would better serve the greater good by drinking themselves comatose will write a bunch of sensationalistic bullshit and call it news.

I'm going to bed early so I can get everyone up early and annoy the piss out of them all day with unreasonable demands.

Life is good.

Damn. I have to get serious.

I hate it when this happens. I've been reading Forbes, BusinessWeek, The Wall Street Journal. I've read a bunch of different Tech blogs. Everybody is babbling about the coming of the iPhone. The common denominator in a lot of the writing is the belief that Apple's growth is fueled by "true believers" rather than by the products.

There are many people who believe that the Apple/Macintosh loyalist is simply a loyalist. They believe us all to be taken in by the Jobsian Reality Distortion Field. It cannot really be the products, but merely the hype. We are – in there eyes – stupid and easily led sheep.

They believe Windows and OS X to be equivalent. The iPod is equivalent to the Zune and every other mp3 player. Different but equivalent. To the extent that there are differences, they are hype and fad and cosmetics.

With that in mind they assert that every new touch-screen cell phone is going to compete against the iPhone. The iPhone does not introduce any new technologies. Apple didn't invent any new program or circuit or chipset or interface components. All Apple did was cobble together a bunch of existing technologies.

Ergo, the iPhone can be easily copied and competed against. That would go against Apple's recent history. It hasn't happened yet to the iPod. There are ample examples of iPods available in the wild. If someone really had the savvy to copy it, they would have by now. The iTunes Store has been online for a few years. No significant challengers have risen.

Also, the Mac is growing its market share in a shrinking market. The other guys have been driven to sell their stuff in Wally World. Microsoft is trying to eliminate the challenge of Linux by buying up the companies that sell it, and intimidate those that won't sell with lawsuits. They're trying to shore up one flank while Apple attacks relentlessly by producing what the market really wants.

Growth means new customers. Significant growth can't happen without growing the customer base. Fanboys can't do it.

Apple is innovating several steps ahead of the rest of every market they enter. In the case of the iTunes Store, Apple created the online marketplace then reconfigured the recording industry. No one has yet really tried to copy what makes Apple's stuff so cool. Because of that, no one has taken the necessary steps to compete. It's actually quite a simple process.

1. Determine what people want.
2. Determine what is currently available.
3. Analyze the delta.
4. Find the technologies that will fill that delta.
5. Design with the goal of simplicity and perfection.
6. Never stop innovating.

Then add creative marketing and continuously try to improve customer support.

The iPhone is a perfect example.

1. What people want is a mobile device that lets them stay connected. Apple evaluated what the ideal feature set should be.

2. Existing mobile phones and smart phones are awkward, klunky, and unreliable. The software that runs them is shit.

3. The delta is huge. Apple figured that out without a lot of high powered mathematics.

4. Apple found technologies that could be combined to bridged the gap.

5. They built a device that meets or exceeds the needs of the average user. They designed the item and the software to run it. That way all the nips and tucks needed to make it all dovetail together happened without having to send memos to another State. Then they made it look cool.

6. Continuous innovation: You can be sure iPhone version 2 is in the lab. I'll bet my old sweat-socks against your leftover tuna casserole it's even cooler than version 1.

The mobile phone market – all of it – lives in fear of another Apple innovation, because they lack the mobility, imagination, and flexibility of Apple. The rest of the marketplace makes cosmetic improvements and adds useless features to differentiate one product from another.

Apple engineering in the last ten years is more about finding what features are really used and making sure they work correctly.

If the iPhone lives up the the recent standards of Apple, it will be an unqualified success. It will only fail if it doesn't really do all it says it will. There is nothing equivalent to the iPhone on the market. Nothing. There are smartphones with more features and mobile phones with fewer features. There is nothing with the same feature set. The iPhone has a gee-whiz interface with minimal clutter.

When the iPhone goes on sale, Apple and AT&T will work full time for months filling the demand.

I don't believe all this just because I'm a fanboy.

I've learned that Apple products are better, more reliable, and useful longer than those of competitors. That means that, over time, Apple's stuff is considerably cheaper. I have a daughter to put through college. I can't afford to waste money. I have to make my purchases carefully. I expect my 4-year-old, single processor, 1.8 GHz G5 to last another two years, running the latest operating system and updated software the whole time. It just works.

Do that with a Dell.

The iPhone is going to kick some serious ass. Apple is about to bust loose in a big way.

The iPhone has New Competition

It's all over the internet. The other cell phone companies are wetting their Dockers® over the iPhone. They've formed a consortium to offer music. They're going to offer high-definition Hollywood feature films on their phones before they get to the theaters. They're giving away a free toaster for renewing your contract. Every new customer gets a blow job or a box of Godiva chocolate-covered cherries.

As far as official reporting goes, there hasn't been a single successfully completed iPhone sales transaction. Outside of people whose paychecks are signed at 1 Infinite Loop, nobody owns an iPhone.

The other cell phone companies would be a lot less panicky if all of their offices and factories burned to the ground overnight. They have insurance for that. There's no insurance against having your ass handed to you in the free market.

In fifteen days, it's gonna get ugly out there people. Ugly. That is if you don't own a few shares of Apple. It isn't too late. Apple's gonna hit $14o just in time for "Back-To-School." Then Santa Claus will stuff a few iPhones in a few stockings. If Apple isn't trading at $180 by the end of the year, I'll eat my leftover pasta fazool.

I'm serious. (Okay. Not real serious.)

Apple Not Trading at a New All Time High

Today, shares of Apple did not sell like boat ride tickets to Miami at a Guantanamo Bay marina.

Steve Jobs has failed. All the analysts on Wall Street were anxiously awaiting an announcement of iPod proportions. They got it. They just didn't recognize it.

Apple has formally entered the browser war. IE 7 blows turkey franks compared to Safari. Explorer is slow, clunky, feature poor and not very customizable. The technical term for that is "sucky." Safari is actually cool. I prefer Firefox most of the time, but I use Safari every day, too.

The web is crawling with news that Safari for Windows is buggy. No. Please. Feckin' Hell. No. Not bugs. Not on a Windows program. Run for your lives. Save yourselves. Think about it. Is that about the dumbest damn thing you've ever heard?

How the hell would you know that Safari brought the bugs? Maybe the infestation was caused by the environment. You know, like when you took your suitcase into that mom-and-pop-palmetto-bug-infested fleabag in Orlando. Your Joe Boxers were probably buggy after you got there, but you didn't bring any of the nasty things in with you. (No. Wait. That was me. Not you.)

With all the other frigging bugs on Windows, how do you pick out the Safari-specific ones? Do they have extra appendages and bright-colored plumage? Maybe – when Safari is running – Windows hangs, crashes, spontaneously reboots, and just generally sucks -- like it does when every other program in the world runs on it. Damn. I run the good old tried-and-true six-year-old XP on a brand new Dell at work. It's a government job; I don't have a choice. Once a week I have to reboot because the "program is not responding." It will continue not responding until the whole frigging system gets its union-guaranteed coffee break.

I have a theory that when Microsoft was developing the last iteration of their OS, they named it after the emoticon that showed up most on internal emails: XP.

Safari for Windows has bugs. Dang. Excuse me if I don't get all weepy.

The analysts see Safari for Windows sort of the way salmon see cruise liners. By the time they're far enough back to see the whole picture, it's too far away to matter.

They'll be back. You'll be able to tell. They move all together. Like lemmings.

Unanswered Question.

There are a lot of questions I have that were not answered by the WWDC Keynote address yesterday.

Who is Fake Steve Jobs. I believe it's Phil Schiller. Have you ever seen them together?

How will the iPhone interact with my existing phone system?
Will there be an iPhone SE? An iPhone II? iPhone Pro? Nano? Mini? Micro?

What is the name of this symbol?: ⌘

Creamy or crunchy?

Paper or plastic?

Regular or Decaf?

Soup or salad?

Smoking or non-smoking?

Coke or Pepsi?

If a large number of us accept the near-certainty that the planet is about to spontaneously combust as a result of heedless herds of soccer-moms in Lincoln Navigators, would Greenpeace kindly shut the hell up?

Will there be a Linux version of Safari? I don't actually care. I'm not geeky enough for Linux. I just hope the "Free the Software" crowd starts chanting for it. They're so cute when they throw their little tantrums.

Of the two, I think PC guy is a lot more fun. Sometimes I'd like to stomp on Mac guy's instep for being such a smug fuck. Does that make me some kind of renegade?

Is Raw Benderly George Ou?

Is George Ou John Dvorak?

Is Paul Thurott John Dvorak and Raw Benderly?

I wonder if at the party His Steveness went to they had vegetarian pizza with anchovies.

I wonder if (when) Apple will introduce iLife for the PC?

When will Apple and Dell announce a merger?

And what will become of little Susie?

WWDC Review

Steve: Windows sucks.

Crowd: Haha

Steve: Mac Rocks.

Crowd: Yeah.

Steve: We gave the people in hell a glass of ice water. Now we're going to let them suck on an ice cube.

Crowd: Oooooh.

Steve: Leopard.

Crowd. Wow.

Steve: iPhone.

Mutual fund managers: Sell Apple.

What it all means

Buy Apple.

Internet Explorer looks sick next to Safari. Every other "Smartphone" is just lame compared to the iPhone. Leopard is a McClaren to Vistas Model "A". The fertilizer is about to hit the ventilator folks.

The rank and file geeks are beginning to see the superiority of Mac versus the world. If the world doesn't start innovating up some serious shit pretty soon, it's over. Stevie eats planet.

You read it here first.

Mutual fund managers understand stocks. If they understood technology they would find something to do in technology. The stock price -- related to reality -- is pure bullshit.

Peace.

Big Day Tomorrow

That's right. Tomorrow is the big day.

In Jamestown, Virginia events are kicking off for the Quadricentennial celebration of the founding of something or other. Big doings.

The Concord Beer Dinner in Barrington, Rhode Island.

At the UC Berkeley you can see "In the Company of Wild Butterflies" at 5:30 for only $12. There is nothing in the listing about "Fizzball" cheats.

At Kansas State University, tomorrow begins the Spotted Microarray Workshop. It will run through 6/22/07. So if you have spots on your array, this might be the place to go.

In Massachussetts, there's the Boston Early Music Festival & Exhibition. It starts Monday and goes all week. Not sure how far back they're going. Maybe all the way back to before Tears for Fears and Duran Duran. You know, really early.

It's National Men's Health Week.

It's Joe Montana's birthday.

It's Jacques Cousteau's birthday.

In Hawaii, it's Kamehameha (pronounced: ka me ha me ha, except the e's sound like long a's , the a's sound like short u's, and the h's are almost silent.) Day. They'll have a big celebration in honor of their first monarch. If you go to Trader Vic's they'll mix you a Suffering Bastard. Way better than a Piña Colada, unless you're with a Werewolf from London. Hula competitions at the luau.

Also there was something about a telephone or a leopard or a fruit something going on in California. The details are sketchy.

Oops. Time to get into my jamjams and go nitey-nite.

WWDC Preview

Things to expect Monday:

A repackaged Mac Mini.

Pizza for breakfast.

Hype about the iPhone.

A new iPod that can run that 3-D chess game that C3PO and Chewbacca played on the Millenium Falcon; while giving driving directions in Farsi, Chinese, and Flemish.

CAVE people outside carrying signs. I don't mean the guys from the Geico ads. I mean C.A.V.E people. Citizens Against Virtually Everything. Greenpeace is just one example. About 5% of Greenpeace protesters can argue their case logically against a credible set of adversarial questions. The rest are CAVE people. They don't have anything better to do than bitch, and it's their only skill. When they aren't busy with Greenpeace, the same folks are a public nuisance in the service of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), or Citizens Lashing Out With Nothing Specific (CLOWNS).


Pizza for lunch.

A new Aiport Extreme (802.11n) card that will work in any Mac all the way back to the Mac IIfx.

Leopard demo.

An Apple OS roughly equivalent to OS X 10.1 designed to run on a generic Intel-based platform. All universal Mac apps will run on it natively.

A Mac the size of a remote keyless entry device that uses any nearby light-colored flat vertical surface as a monitor. The multi-touch keyboard is the size of a business card and stows in the carrying case.

Pizza for dinner.

Designer jeans with an Apple on the ass.

Okay. I made most of that up. On the other hand, I'll bet a laundry hamper full of unwashed crew socks that shares of Apple Monday after supper cost more than than they do on Monday at breakfast.

I'll bet double or nothing I can't find the Keynote Address on live stream. I haven't scoped it out yet. It's only Saturday after all.

Me too.

Please allow me to join the cacophonous chorus lauding the iPhone.

The iPhone is the most significant technological advance since Elmo Wat -- in 16327 B.C. combined a Hydrogen molecule and an Oxygen atom into a little known compound that forms a major building block for beer. He named it after himself (Elmoxide). Later, the name was changed to water, and it was widely discussed that Elmo was something of a dipshit anyway.

The iPhone is to telephones what a grizzly bear is to hairballs.

Wanting an iPhone is like wanting air. When you no longer want it, it no longer matters.

There will be shortages of iPhones. There will be a black (or at least grey) market in iPhones.

Unlike light beer, an iPhone really might get you laid. Or at least it will bring one in close enough to give you a chance to try.

New iPhone owners will announce themselves across seas of cubicles with the phrase, "Whoa. Check that shit out," or, simply, "Whoa."

Not having an iPhone will produce a medical syndrome that will require treatment with prescription medication and counseling.

The iPhone will not taste good added to Denver omelets.

Astrological Forecasts (Special Feature)

By Chase Buck

Aries
Good thinking dumb ass. Just couldn't shut up, could you? You probably will never be allowed back into that bar again.

Taurus
You're an addict. Okay? Any time anyone spends $100 a day on anything it's an addiction. Crack counts.

Gemini
Your neighbors are beginning to be alarmed at your gun collection. That's the only reason they haven't complained about your pigs mating in their back yard.

Cancer
Pinch that overripe strawberry on your forehead before it explodes and kills somebody.

Leo
Take five minutes every day away from everyone. Close your eyes. Concentrate. Shut the fuck up.

Virgo
You should go buy yourself a new Mac Pro tower with the dual quad processors, 16 Gb of RAM, and a 30 inch monitor. You've earned it.

Libra
When the Coroner and the Sheriff left together and talked outside they agreed that your story was total bullshit. Run.

Scorpio
You should go buy your husband a new Mac Pro tower with the dual quad processors, 16 Gb of RAM, and a 30 inch monitor. He's earned it.

Saggitarius
Several times this month your telephone will ring, and when you answer it there will be no one on the other end. That's an autodialer polling homes to see which homes answer their phones during what hours. This helps them determine what time of day to have a real human telemarketer call your house. Either that or it's a psycho killer making sure there's someone in the house because he's about to detonate the bomb under the kitchen sink.

Capricorn
The in-laws are coming for dinner. Depending on the message you want to send, now might be a good time to hide the pentagram on the floor and clean up the goat blood all over the place.

Aquarius
Everybody knows you have an herb garden. Everybody knows you have two varieties of basil and three varieties of tarragon. Everybody. Nobody cares. Nobody.

Pisces
This month several friends will hint that you're dangerously obese. Avoid spandex.

Idiots. Talking.

J.C. Dumbass was in the press today.

He thinks it's a good time to short sell Apple.

Go ahead. Call your broker. Go bet on Apple stock to go down four days before a Steve Jobs keynote address. Then stand out on your front porch naked and shout, "I'm an idiot" until people come to take you away.

The entire freaking market was down today. AAPL was written in green letters at the end of the day. The only people selling Apple stock today were taking the capital gains to buy a new Mac and a box of hand-rolled Nicaraguan Churchills.

Dumbass also thinks it won't be long before everybody jumps on and copies Apple. Just like they've done with the iPod. Everybody has done an iTunes Store now. Apple's stock really suffered from that.

J.C. Dumbass's columns remind me of a Truman Capote quote about On the Road by Jack Kerouac. He said, "That isn't writing. It's typing." Give him credit, though. Once upon a time it would have been a salable talent to operate a QWERTY keyboard with your head up your ass all the way to the shoulders.

Did I mention Vista sucks?

No News Today

I mean NONE.

Apple stock went up in a down market, but not enough to excite Old Blue, less than a buck.

The rumor mills are reporting a bunch of stuff. As near as I can tell Apple is going to introduce a brand of antihistamine and a line of ball point pens. They probably won't introduce a kitchen fire extinguisher or nano-glue stickynotes.

As recently as Mother's Day predictions were rampant that the iPhone wouldn't sell as well as flood insurance in hell. It was agreed among the techpress that Apple would probably only sell fifteen or twenty to close friends and people who owed them money anyway.

Now the concensus is that the iPhone is going to make the Tickle-Me Elmo Christmas frenzy look like a lunch rush at Denny's. Apple will sell so many iPhones that the economy of Taiwan will suffer from the silicon depletion.

Frankly, as long as I get one, I don't care how many they sell.

Apple isn't making a profit on Apple TV. Sure they're not. They weren't going to make any money on iTunes either. Did you ever wonder how Dixie makes money giving away free dispensers? Video is a different market than music, with a whole different dynamic and way different rules. Music is just one market with different genres and demographics.

Video is different sources, styles, standards, business models, and delivery methods. When it's time bring broadcast TV, Cable, Satellite, HD, YouTube, and Feature Films all through one pipe, It'll be good to own the pipe. It'll be even better to have a toll booth at one end. If you don't own Apple, it's not too late.

I think I read that Raw Benderly wrote something about Microsoft's "Surface" pretty kludge. I don't read his stuff. I use the time I might have wasted reading an idiot doing useful things: watching paint dry, flipping a coin over and over and over and over and just staring at it tumbling in the air, scratching.

Greenpeace is absurd.

Useless Celebrity Update

Christina Aguilera
Britney Spears
Paris Hilton
Jen and Brad
Angelina and Brad
Nicole Ritchey
David Hasselhoff
Rosie O'Donnell
K-Fed
Nick Lachey

Who gives a shit?

I feel like valuable brain cells have been stolen from me by the constant drumbeat of those utterly meaningless syllables.

That's only a partial list, but it's a good start.

The Rip Ragged 100% Guaranteed Weight Loss Program

1. Eat less.

2. Exercise more.

3. Repeat.

Apple Shares Trading at New All-Time High

More earth-shattering news:

Apple introduced a faster computer.

Nothing ruins a martini like too much vermouth. Especially sweet vermouth.

Marc Andreessen is back on a Mac. Wow. One of the pioneers of the internet is just now realizing that Windows sucks a big one.

The iPhone is going to be pretty popular.

There are some people in the Middle East who don't like America very much.

The Mac is gaining market share.

The Apple II was introduced 30 years ago.

The iPhone is the coolest thing on this particular planet, beating out the iPod by a few fractions of a degree (Kelvin).

Vista sucks.

It is impossible to lick chocolate off of your own elbow. Peanut butter is even tougher.

Global warming is a transparent ruse designed to make the middle class feel guilty for enjoying it.

My two-year-old Tiger is the best operating system on the periphery of this galaxy.

Every weight loss program that promises you can eat as much as you want of anything you want and still lose weight is lying. There is no pill for fat. Never has been, never will be.

Apple is technologically at least five years ahead of everything.

Everything.

Yeah. That too.

Salad? That's what my dinner eats.

Coming Attractions: The Rip Ragged 100% Guaranteed Weight Loss Plan.

The News

There isn't any news.

Well, except I'm thinking of changing the name of the blog to "Apple shares hit all time closing high."

The only problem is Mac Daily News has a copyright on the headline. They copy it to the clipboard on Monday and paste it in every afternoon. It saves all that typing. They just type in the new number.

Two former Apple employees are now working for Palm.

Every spring in the NFL teams that sucked last season buy up personnel from teams that made it to the post-season. The worse the teams suck, the more convinced they are that a linebacker or a coach from a championship team will make them not suck. "A player with championship experience will provide the spark we need."

Remember not too long ago when the Minnesota Vikings took Steve Hutchinson from the Seahawks? Hutch was the second best lineman in the NFL at the time. He played side-by-side with the best lineman in the NFL, Walter Jones. When they were on the field together, defensive lines got out of the way. Playing the same starting five linemen with Walter and Hutch on one side of the line for a few years made the Seahawks O-line smarter and the whole team better.

All by himself Hutch can't make the Vikes not suck.

Good luck Fred and Jon.

Oh, and One More Thing

Have you seen the new iPhone ads?

If you don't get wood you're a girl. Simple as that. I recommend a dry towel on the chair for ladies.

June 29th is the announced availability date.

As we go to press, we are able to confirm a few features that will not be included on the new phone.

The iPhone will not have the Universal Remote Control package.

Due to weight and comfort issues, the corkscrew, toothpick, and nail file features will not be included in this version.

This version will not include a flashlight.

The cheese slicing knife will not ship with this version, but the back of the iPhone can still be used as a cutting board with a third party cheese slicer (Belkin is rumored to have one ready to go).

Despite numerous complaints the iPhone still will not play 33, 45, or 78 RPM vinyl records, CDs, DVD, HD-DVD, Blu-Ray, 8-Track tapes, Cassettes, Mico-cassettes or DAT.

The iPhone will not include a silent dog whistle, x-ray specs, or the Charles Atlas dynamic tension system.

It will include a "sparkling drop of retsyn."

It will help with the heartbreak of psoriasis, if after you buy it you use an effective medication according to the instructions.

It guarantees that normal healthy persons will lose weight if they eat less and exercise more.

And of course, this version promises to have no markings on any part of it that would indicate that it has ever been in the same room as a Zune.

That's enough.

It Figures

If you haven't been over to Roughly Drafted today, you shouldn't be here yet. You're not supposed to come here until you've already read Roughly Drafted, Daring Fireball, and Macalope. Only then is it acceptable to clutter your head with my BS.

Dan Eran over at RD linked yours truly today. I celebrated with an extra cup of coffee and two (2) extra oatmeal cookies. I sent him a link I found for an actual Touch Table that predates "Surface" by at least two years.

Concidentally, it turns out Dan was working on a discussion of that very thing over at RD.

I have actually contributed to real journalism. The pisser is, I don't even have anyone I can ask for a raise. Screw it. I'm eating the rest of the Cherry Garcia.

Zune News

The Official Microsoft Zune News Site has an ad on it for a Special "Halo" Edition. The site doesn't mention that, other than the name, the device has absolutely no way of interacting with the game Halo. It is entirely possible that a large number of techfrees will be out a few euros before figuring out that bit of sophistry.

Available in Engineer Orange and Master Chief Grey.

Week in Preview

Apple stock will continue up. Only the terminally stupid are selling much AAPL going into the WWDC.

Vista will continue to suck.

The Zune is still fun to make jokes about. That will continue at least until WWDC.

The news will break out of the Mac Community that "Surface" is really "Facade." If Microsoft has the capacity to feel stupid for plagiarism and abject technical inferiority, this would be the time to see it. I recommend against holding your breath.

The Beatles aren't coming to iTunes until next year. Okay. That sucks. The reality is, though, that they're coming to iTunes. The Long and Winding Road will be on iTunes before it's on the frigging Zune store.

Important Note:

Winning isn't everything, but losing sucks.

Clarification

In last night's post, I said "The Zune is number two." Concerned reader, baxtrice, wrote in to ask, "In what universe?"

I guess a lot of people, when they think of number two think of:


I also think of:


Interestingly, I also think of:


I think I'll get another cup of coffee now.

Week in Review

Steve and Bill Survived

Well, okay, I guess. Bill and Steve did the only logical thing at D. They behaved like grown ups. It would have been more fun to watch Steve give Bill and wedgie and a dutch rub, but titans of industry normally don't behave that way.

Wussies.

Apple Stock is Kicking Ass

Really kicking ass.

Global Warming is in the News Again

1. The planet may be getting warmer. I believe that.

2. We should all try to minimize our consumption. We should keep it down to only those things we really, really want.

3. If there is a relationship between "carbon footprints" and "global warming" it has not been demonstrated scientifically.

I've spent 30 years in the nuclear industry. I know what science looks like. I'm no scientist, but I know science when I see it. "The faithful" among the environmental movement are using the exact same raw data they used thirty years ago to say we were headed for a new ice age. The only difference is that it stopped getting colder and started getting warmer.

The data they're using is incomplete and therefore wrong.

The largest constituent of greenhouse gases is water vapor, at like 95%.

After that comes all the others. Mankind's contribution to the chlorine and carbon dioxide constituent is insignificant compared to the amounts being dumped into the atmosphere by the planet.

The whole thing is cooked up. It's meaningless.

Recycling is still good.

Reducing pollution is still good.

Telling people they have to turn off the lights to save the planet is (not to put too fine a point on it) bullshit. The planet will be just fine.

Seriously.

Research Section

The Zune is number two. In case this news surprises you, more information is available at www.zunenewssite.com.

Oh, you remember that "Surface" thingy-ma-bobber, that Microsoft just "developed?" The digital flat horizontal plane?
Take a look at the Touch Table. The page has a video you can watch from 2005 of applications running on the Touch Table.

Huh. For a half a second there, I thought Microsoft might actually have innovated. It's a lame, useless kind of creativity – kind of like covering mashed potatoes with Hershey's cholocate ice cream topping – but I at least thought (briefly) that they had done something original.

Silly me.