Sell.

Apple has issued no new information about the iPhone SDK. With that in mind, somebody started a rumor that the SDK is delayed. Sell Apple stock. Sell it right now. Today. Get your frigging broker into his office and get the stuff gone. Don't wait. This is urgent.

Apple hasn't issued anything like a number about iPod sales. They aren't ordering as much NAND memory as they did for Christmas. Growth is slowing. Apparently "slashed orders" sells more keyword ads than "reduced orders." Anyway, sell, sell, sell. I mean now. Get rid of those nasty old shares of Apple before they infect your other stocks.

Hundreds of thousands of iPhones have been purchased and aren't being activated on iTunes. Presumably they've been smuggled to China. Nobody knows for sure, but they're gone. GONE. Apple isn't going to get their frigging residuals on them. RUN!! You aren't still sitting on shares of AAPL are you? Oh, my aching ingrown toenails! Have you NOT been paying attention? Your kids will starve. Your retirement will consist of stealing Alpo from neighborhood back porches and sleeping in an appliance carton if you don't get rid of that stock RIGHT NOW!

The MacBook Air Jordan is underpowered and doesn't have an optical drive. Sell. Bloody hell. Are you still just sitting there with that look on your face? Get busy!

Several of your neighbors are not (NOT!) planning to buy an AppleTV. Don't you get it, man? This is it. The end! The dogdamn apocalypse is upon us. Apple is doomed. DOOMED. Unload that stock before they come to repossess your house, clean out your refrigerator, and take your last clean pair of Spongebob Squarepants boxers to pay off your margin balance. Save yourselves while there's still time.

Apple dropped the price of the iPod Shuffle. That can only mean they are desperate. DESPERATE. Growth is slowing. The company is retrenching. Western civilization is on the verge of collapse. Gloom. Despair. Agony. Warm beer. Socks that don't match. Somebody ate the last of the General Tso's Chicken. And if you're the only one still holding on to a share of this utter failure, it will be your fault.

Okay. I'll buy them. Taking one for the team is what I'm all about.

Well, it's time for the first barbecue of the season.