The Federal legislature is investigating whether there's doping in professional sports. Also they're looking into SpyGate. Did Bill Bellichik try to gain an advantage over other teams? Next they'll be looking into allegations that there is bad language in locker rooms, monosodium glutamate in Chinese food, and salt in Campbell's soup.
Did Roger Clemens use steroids? Human Growth Hormone? Electrical tape? Quilted or plain toilet paper? Scented? Did the Patriots use film of other teams' defensive signals for game planning? Did they win the SuperBlow? No! They got their asses kicked by the New Jersey Little Brothers of Peyton Manning. So who cares?
Next year's legislative docket will explore even more pressing questions:
Is Michael Jackson a little odd?I'll cast a vote – hell, I'll campaign – for the first politician who says, "Professional sports is an absurd waste of time. Professional athletes are grossly overpaid for the nominal benefit they provide society. They're only role models if you aspire to have a ruined, useless, broken body by the age of thirty. Except golf. But golf is about as exciting as watching toenails grow. If that's how you morons want to spend your money, fine. But please, leave the federal government out of your inane squabbles. We have real stuff to do here, okay? Really. You kids go sort it out yourselves. We have work to do."
What percentage of Denny's hashbrowns are real potatoes?
In 25 words or less, describe the difference between the terms "lobbying" and "bribery."
Those new blister packs with the edges all sealed up are a pain in the ass to open. Why?
We need one more Harry Callahan movie before Clint Eastwood retires. What's up with that?
What the hell is that smell?
Given that chains are made of the same material, in roughly the same configuration, as ice skates, why do people think putting chains on their tires makes them immune to sliding?
Crunchy or creamy?