Thursday, February 14, 2008

Here it is again.

Dear Punditbots and Tech/Financial weenies. Here is the new style sheet for discussing any and all things related to Apple.

Steve Jobs may not be mentioned without also mentioning:

Black mock turtleneck.

Reality distortion field.

When speaking of the iPhone, it is required that you also include reference to:
A hillion-jillion phones haven't been activated on approved carriers.

Apple is losing residual income on those unlocked phones.

You must discuss Handorrhoid, and/or other vaporous iPhone killers. You may include as an iPhone killer any photoshopped flight of imagination that looks like a handheld touch screen and may possibly also resemble something that might be a phone; you may also include any proposed software or hardware that is mentioned – even in passing – by anyone who may be an employee of a company. Any company, including Hallmark, Federal Express, General Electric, Archer Daniels Midland, and Shoney's. Any of those concepts may be included as an iSomething killer in any context. It need not actually exist.

3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G 3G

When discussing the MacBook Air Jordan, you must:
Mention that it cannot be as powerful as a Cray and still be that small, then...

Discuss every feature of your dream supercomputer and note that many of them are not present on the MBAJ.

Explain that the MBAJ will probably not sell as well as less expensive, more fully featured heavy, blocky, chunky MacBooks.

Do not mention that MacBooks are selling faster than fresh cucumbers at a womens' prison.
You may not mention iTunes without discussing
Product lock-in with iPods. As with Handorrhoid and other iSomething killers, the fact that it does not exist is not an issue.

Amazon, Napster, Rhapsody, eMusic, Blockbuster, NetFlix, and DRM.

You may not mention that Apple is selling DRM'd music faster than all of those others put together are selling non-DRM'd music.
Due to space constraints, please refrain from trying to enumerate every type of bug, virus, Trojan horse, worm, spyware, glitch, crash, kernel panic, freeze, and reboot that occurs on other operating systems. However, if a Mac crashes anywhere in the world – for any reason including fire, flood, plague, pestilence, peanut butter in the optical drive, and power outages – it is necessary to report it as a certain sign that Apple is doomed. DOOMED.

Everyone on the internet who needs to read idiotic bullshit over and over and over and over because we're too stupid to get the first thirty or forty times.

P.S. Also, please tell us again about how cool Windows Mobile 7 is going to be. We're going to print it out as soon as we get the printer driver update for Vista.

Oops. Time for my Valentines Day duties.