Wednesday, February 20, 2008

All the news, printed to fit.

Flash; iPhone. Stop me if you've heard this one.

Yeah, that's what I thought.


Big something going on with Linkin' Park and Apple. Maybe. Big secret. Apple is expected to announce something big and major and cool and huge if the whole thing is real and not just some JZ-Apple-record-company rehash. So if this thing isn't just a piglet of someone's imagination, Apple is going to introduce something other than a band with a silly name.

Maybe it isn't any weirder-sounding to me than Pink Floyd or 10,000 Maniacs was, but it's still a goofy name.

So Steve Jobs lets it leak out that Apple is doing something, and that it's a big secret. Step two (two) of this process is for everyone in the breathless-Apple-watching-blogoverse to speculate on what will happen. What is Apple going to announce? Ooooooooh.

Weird stuff in the speculation. Here's a good one: All four major record labels are going to drop DRM on iTunes. Cool. So?

How about: All the studios are going to put all their movies on iTunes. Okay. Porky's II on my big screen. Can't wait.

Another one: New iPod.

Or: 3G iPhone (never mind.)

Bloody hell.

I mean, it isn't like it matters. All of us rabid Artie MacStrawman fanboys are going to buy one as soon as it's available anyway – whatever the hell it is. Heck, I might buy two. So all this speculation is kind of meaningless.

Actually, the mystery is simple to solve. The calculus doesn't even require an advanced degree. Look at the pieces here. 1.) Linkin' Park, 2.) New York City, 3.) Apple, 4.)Late February. It's simple. Apple is going to announce that people will do almost anything to hear an announcement from Apple if it's secret. They'll even show up for Linkin' Park in NYC in the dead of winter. I mean, how fecking desperate do you have to be? And they'll be right, too.

I'll bet a can of Deluxe Mixed Nuts (no peanuts) they introduce a new piece of hardware of some sort, or possibly something related to the internet or software. Maybe iTunes 8.

Last one in the hot tub is a rotten egg.