Friday, February 02, 2007

Morons on the Loose

Lawyer alert: My lawyers have notified me that I cannot "name names" when insulting idiots. From this point forward Rip Ragged will use pseudonyms to identify people later referred to as dumbasses. Rip Ragged regrets any confusion this may cause.

Raw Benderly has announced that any corporation which allows an iPhone within 100 yards of corporate headquarters will be bankrupt within weeks. This is because of the Sarbanes-Smoot-Hawley-Olly-Oxen-Free Act, which clearly states in paragraph 4, section b, subpart iv, "cellular communication devices with fewer than nine buttons and graphical interfaces of an iconized nature are specifically banned from trading quantised heterogenous inchoate balance sheets during backwardation of factoring. Redoubled undertricks cost twice as much as doubled undertricks. If both utilities are owned, roll the dice and multiply by ten."

Also, the iPhone cannot be used as a LAN, a WAN, or a King's Cut Prime Rib dinner (with extra sour cream on the baked potato) due to it's small size and singular nature. The iPhone has other drawbacks that make it unsuitable for use in Enterprise environments as well. The phone is prone to drop calls at speeds in excess of Warp Factor 5, and impulse engines can cause severe interference.

Other problems caused by the iPhone haven't even been talked about in the mainstream press. It's a choking hazard. If used by multiple people who don't wash their hands after peeing, it could spread disease. The iPhone won't break down easily in a compost pile. An iPhone carelessly left in the driveway could damage tires. iPhones will not extinguish Class C fires. To prevent brain damage, iPhones should never be used for extended periods in atmospheres of less than 16.5% oxygen. If you tear your Anterior Cruciate Ligament while using an iPhone it could cause permanent damage.

According to Mr. Benderly, the only people who should even consider owning, using or mentioning iPhones are people who do not own, patronize, recognize, or work for companies, non-profit organizations, or Google.

I did my best to write stupider stuff than Benderly's drivel. How did I do? It has been suggested by some of my fellow Slobbering Apple Fanboys (tm), that Raw Benderly might possibly have dried minced dogshit where the rest of us have brains. Well, maybe not in exactly those words, but the meaning is the same.