Monday, February 26, 2007

iPhone Update

Yup. There's an iPhone.
I shall own one.
The Oscars ad was cool.

For those of you who still don't get the point of an iPhone, here's a brief rundown.

It isn't a BlackBerry. A BlackBerry is a leash. A BlackBerry says, "No matter where I am, I'm at work."
An iPhone is a cool toy. an iPhone says, "I'm dicking off, but I can check my email if I want to."

An iPhone isn't a smartphone. A smartphone is like a necktie. No matter how nice and pretty your necktie is, it's still a necktie. It still tells the world that you are tied to a desk. A "smartphone" tells the world, "I have important stuff to do. I'm really important. I'm way more important than you. I'm squinting, scrolling, and reading a shitty memo while you're doing the crossword in the airline magazine."

The iPhone is more like a Hawaiian shirt. It will tell the world, "Bite me."

Most people aren't going to buy an iPhone to listen to music. They'll buy a phone that does cool stuff and looks cool doing it. I might put my creme de la creme playlist on it, but that isn't what it's for. if you can afford $400 for a Phone, you already have an iPod.

It'll do email and internet and some other nifty things, but that isn't it either. It isn't being sold as a replacement for a MacBook. It'll do some of that stuff, but only as a sideline.

The iPhone will make and receive telephone calls. That's what it's for. The degree to which it does that quickly, easily, and flawlessly is the degree to which it will kick all the smartphones' asses.

Here are a few more things to keep in mind:

Myth: The iPhone won't allow third party software to be installed. Unlike smartphones.
Reality: What third party software? The third party software for phones mostly sucks.

Myth: The iPhone doesn't do 3G.
Reality: Without using a search engine, what does 3G stand for? Who cares? Hint: phones that use 3G need to be plugged in a lot.

Myth: The iPhone can stop a .38 caliber jacketed round fired at close range.
Reality: A WinCE smartphone will explode into a cloud of plastic shards when hit with a 110 grain .270 Winchester hollow point.

Myth: The iPhone is somehow related to the possibility that Al Gore is batshit crazy.
Reality: I'll bet Mr. Greeny-weeny didn't show up at the Oscars on public transportation, or on a bicycle, or in some friggin' little hybrid piece of shit import. He showed up in a bigass Bentley just like all those other self-congratulatory limousine liberal hypocrites.

Myth: Global Warming. Really. It's bullshit.
Reality: Al Gore took his goofy Global Warming message to New York while they were shoveling out from under eight feet of snow. That had to be funnier than hell.

Myth: There are other phones out there that are just as cool as the iPhone.
Reality: Name one.

Myth: Parsing "Rip Ragged" for facts is a useful tool when shopping for technology, voting, or selecting environmental movements.
Reality: Go ahead and add your comments. For a few brief shining moments you and I can share the illusion that somebody else gives a shit what we think. Trust me. It is an illusion.