Global Warming Update

Al Gore will not be campaigning on the Eastern Seaboard this week.

If you want to dither on about global warming, Maine is probably not the place to hang out for the next few days.

Let's go find some scientists whose specialty is discerning the causes of climate change and see if we can get a consensus. Near as I can tell, those scientists who study just that think that the whole man-made climate thing is a load of horseshit.

The real science of climate change focuses on the greenhouse gases that are produced by mother Earth. Volcanoes spew so much shit into the air that the man-made stuff isn't even significant. It isn't difficult to figure it out. You want to stop global warming? Trap all the crap that volcanoes are spitting out. Convert all that gunk into organic bean sprouts and tofu.

Next topic:

Dead Celebrities

They make a pile of money for one talent or another. They entertain us for a while. They die. Sometimes (Bob Hope springs to mind) they do more than merely entertain. But not often. Can we please keep this in perspective? Anna Nicole Smith was probably a nice lady. It's a shame she died so young. She wasn't Indira Ghandi. She wasn't even Norma Jean Mortensen.

Move on.

War in Iraq

Mr. President,

Please send as much conventional ordnance to the Middle East (Iraq, Iran, Syria, Jordan, Saudi Arabia) as is necessary to quell terrorism. When the terrorism has stopped, we can stop bombing. Surgical strikes against buildings alleged to be occasionally visited by people sympathetic to terrorism will be fine. If you really want to get a Republican elected in 2008, make a deal with North Korea, too.

Here's the deal:

1. Stop building Nukes.

2. Stop threatening to build Nukes.

3. Allow inspectors to come in with absolute freedom of movement to verify the two above requirements are met.

4. Or, you can host some above-ground testing of some of our old stuff to make sure is isn't past the expiration date.

Oh yeah, China and Russia can just shut the fuck up about it. If we want any smartass back-talk from Commies we'll ask.

Europe - Kiss my ass.