Oh For Crying Out Loud

I confess. I watched the Oscars. I saw the iPhone ad.

Yawn.

Apple has advertised the iPhone. There is no ad, however inconceivably bad -- and I'm thinking here of Larry the Cable Guy farting "Our Town" into the thing -- that could have drawn negative reviews from some of the "breathless Mac bloggers" I read so much about. I'm not sure who these people are. I don't read them.

If you hate Apple, Apple products, Apple users, apple pie, apple trees, apple maggots, apple polishers, apple-pie order, apple jack, or the apple of my eye the advertisement sucked a big one.

Artie McStrawman loved the ad. It had an Apple logo -- Fanboy Viagra.

The ad didn't suck from the standpoint of being "really bad". It made a boatload of references to "Hello" in a number of semi-interesting variations with some really old movie and TV clips. It showed a picture of the iPhone. It showed the Apple logo. Boink. Artie's sporting a bone.

Well. It was a commercial.

Yee.

Haw.

In other news...

Wait...

Nope. There isn't any.

iPhone Update

Yup. There's an iPhone.
I shall own one.
The Oscars ad was cool.

For those of you who still don't get the point of an iPhone, here's a brief rundown.

It isn't a BlackBerry. A BlackBerry is a leash. A BlackBerry says, "No matter where I am, I'm at work."
An iPhone is a cool toy. an iPhone says, "I'm dicking off, but I can check my email if I want to."

An iPhone isn't a smartphone. A smartphone is like a necktie. No matter how nice and pretty your necktie is, it's still a necktie. It still tells the world that you are tied to a desk. A "smartphone" tells the world, "I have important stuff to do. I'm really important. I'm way more important than you. I'm squinting, scrolling, and reading a shitty memo while you're doing the crossword in the airline magazine."

The iPhone is more like a Hawaiian shirt. It will tell the world, "Bite me."

Most people aren't going to buy an iPhone to listen to music. They'll buy a phone that does cool stuff and looks cool doing it. I might put my creme de la creme playlist on it, but that isn't what it's for. if you can afford $400 for a Phone, you already have an iPod.

It'll do email and internet and some other nifty things, but that isn't it either. It isn't being sold as a replacement for a MacBook. It'll do some of that stuff, but only as a sideline.

The iPhone will make and receive telephone calls. That's what it's for. The degree to which it does that quickly, easily, and flawlessly is the degree to which it will kick all the smartphones' asses.

Here are a few more things to keep in mind:

Myth: The iPhone won't allow third party software to be installed. Unlike smartphones.
Reality: What third party software? The third party software for phones mostly sucks.

Myth: The iPhone doesn't do 3G.
Reality: Without using a search engine, what does 3G stand for? Who cares? Hint: phones that use 3G need to be plugged in a lot.

Myth: The iPhone can stop a .38 caliber jacketed round fired at close range.
Reality: A WinCE smartphone will explode into a cloud of plastic shards when hit with a 110 grain .270 Winchester hollow point.

Myth: The iPhone is somehow related to the possibility that Al Gore is batshit crazy.
Reality: I'll bet Mr. Greeny-weeny didn't show up at the Oscars on public transportation, or on a bicycle, or in some friggin' little hybrid piece of shit import. He showed up in a bigass Bentley just like all those other self-congratulatory limousine liberal hypocrites.

Myth: Global Warming. Really. It's bullshit.
Reality: Al Gore took his goofy Global Warming message to New York while they were shoveling out from under eight feet of snow. That had to be funnier than hell.

Myth: There are other phones out there that are just as cool as the iPhone.
Reality: Name one.

Myth: Parsing "Rip Ragged" for facts is a useful tool when shopping for technology, voting, or selecting environmental movements.
Reality: Go ahead and add your comments. For a few brief shining moments you and I can share the illusion that somebody else gives a shit what we think. Trust me. It is an illusion.

Friday Update

Apple and Cisco (in alphabetical order)

If you've recently come out of cryogenic suspension, you might not know that Apple and Cisco are nicey-wicey now about the name iPhone. This is huge news, I guess. Apple and Cisco didn't seem to grind to a halt during the discussions, but a lot of other people were holding their breath.

A lot of calories and column inches are being used to explain that nobody knows any details about the deal Apple and Cisco made. People really want to know what's going on between the two companies. It reminds me of a time I asked a question at work, to which a coworker replied, "Didn't I tell you?"

"No." I answered, expectantly.

"Then it must be none of your frigging business."

It's probably about the same deal with the Apple/Cisco iPhone negotiations. Both companies are probably happy enough with the outcome. We don't really need to know the details.

If either company was getting the shitty end of the stick, the lawyers would still be calling press conferences and screeching like hungry chimpanzees about what a bunch of sleazy, smarmy, baby-eating scum the other company's lawyers are. That's what lawyers do. Then they all shake hands and go to dinner together.

Doesn't Really Matter

I see a vast landscape of heads, all talking at once; each one trying to be louder than the next. The din is so loud that it is impossible to understand a word being said. If you could separate them and listen you would find out they are all dithering on about one inconsequential topic. They are talking about Digital Rights Management.

I would like it a lot if they'd all shut the fuck up. I'm not holding my breath in anticipation of that. It's a fair guess that the importance of a given topic is inversely proportional to the number of people babbling about it. There is a war in the Middle East. Terrorists are looking for new and imaginative ways to blow up babies, women, and old people in the name of God. There is genocide and mass murder in Africa. Global warming is causing wide patches of the planet to be under a bunch of snow (you can do that arithmetic). Hillary Clinton has announced her intention to be President again. This time she wants the title. In a world turning to shit, we're arguing about making a copy of Sylvia's Mother? People, please: Get a frigging clue. It doesn't matter. Really. Not even a little.

I buy stuff from the iTunes Music Store. I probably have a couple of hundred songs in my collection of several thousand that are "Purchased Music" from the iTunes store. The rest is ripped from my CDs. DRM does not cause me to hyperventilate. I wouldn't ask for it if it didn't exist, but it hardly seems worth rapidly converting a lot of extra oxygen to carbon dioxide.

As near as I can tell, DRM hasn't cost me any ability that I need, or any more money than I think the music is worth. That equals "Who gives a shit?"

I would probably be happier overall if there was no DRM. Just the peace of mind of knowing that I can do stuff I'm probably never going to do would please me. A world without DRM will look a lot like the current world. People can download and share any song they want to free for nothing. I don't. Too much work for me. Most of what I want, I already own on CD. Most of the rest of what I want, I can buy one song at a time on iTunes. I don't share my music except by playing it when other people are in the room. Not because I'm afraid of the record companies; just because that's how I do things.

My guess is, I'm a lot like most people who download. We'd rather do it legally if the option is there. Some people will download illegally what they can't download legally. Some people will spend a month and a hundred dollars to avoid paying ninety-nine cents just because they want to feel like they won somehow. DRM won't fix that. You can't fix stupid. DRM addresses issues that most folks don't – and shouldn't – even worry about.

The only person who has said anything useful about DRM so far has been Steve Jobs, who said in essence: "DRM is useless. DRM wasn't my idea. I'll drop it if the record companies will let me. Europe, kiss my ass."

In summary:

1. DRM isn't making the record companies any money.

2. DRM isn't making Apple any money.

3. DRM isn't costing listeners much, if any, money.

4. The people who DRM is designed to stop don't give a shit about it.

5. People who blather on about DRM being bad and evil are asshats.

6. People who think DRM is good and necessary are asshats.

DRM stands for "Doesn't Really Matter."

A Few Notes as the Parade Goes By

Cisco and Apple have kissed and made up. Many analysts (assclowns mostly) think Cisco must have taken it in the shorts. Cisco doesn't do that. My guess is both side are happy. If they weren't, the lawyers would still be kicking each other in the shins and calling each other names.

Vista still sucks.

Zune still sucks.

20 years and counting. I've been online since the days when it was hard to get ten people together in a chat room. I still don't have any malware on my Mac.

Today, February 22, 2007, I, Rip Ragged (after using a shitload of commas), do hereby predict that as soon as enough people have Vista, and certainly by this time next year, there will be all manner of STDware for it.

Raw Benderly, the assclown, wrote some more stuff recently. You can go read it if you want to. I wouldn't if I were you.

Did I Read That Right?

Parsing the Kevin Finisterre interview with the BBC.

Kevin Finisterre caused ripples in the Mac community when he started a website in January revealing a different bug in Apple systems each day of the month.

Keving Finisterre was snickered at by the knowlegeable Mac community when he opened his silly site. The Mac users who didn't know, didn't seem to notice. Neither have they suffered any ill effects from the lack of understanding.

While some observers dismissed the survey, Apple recently issued a patch to plug holes outlined by Finisterre.

Non-observers didn't notice or care. There still have been no reports of malware in the wild.

Apple owners' attitude to security was "one of the main reasons we started the campaign," he said.

Waaaaah.

Apple makes great play of the fact that its OSX operating has yet to be attacked by a virus while Windows XP machines are plagued with problems.
Its recent global campaign of adverts pitching Macs versus PCs has focused on security issues.
XP machines are represented by a flu-ridden, sneezing individual while the Mac remains untouched by illness.

Apple is a pretty poor sport about the superior security record of their machines and software.

No Real Security Problems

Many of the problems highlighted by Finisterre are security holes in applications, which are not related to viruses.

Most of the problems could be exploited by an experienced hacker who was already sitting in front of your computer, with you logged on.

Apple recently plugged holes in Mac software such as iChat and Finder and a flaw in the user notification process that could potentially grant system privileges to malicious users.

Apple recently fixed some security problems in their software, none of which had ever been reported as actual exploits.

All three problems were highlighted by Finisterre, and a fellow researcher known only as LMH.

Kevin and LMH would like all you smug Mac users to be very, very sorry about your smugness.

Finisterre said: "Try calling any Apple store and ask any sales rep what you would do with regard to security, ask if there is anything you should have to worry about?
"They will happily reinforce the feeling of 'Security on a Mac? What? Me worry?'."

Just because there is no malware in the wild for OS X is no reason for Apple store geniuses to be so smug about it.

He said the Month of Apple Bugs (MOAB) project had succeeded in its original aim of raising the level of awareness around Mac security.

Mac users are scared now. We busted our asses for a whole month to come up with a total of three hacks that rise above the level of "total bullshit" to the pinnacle of "kinda lame." Fear us.

"I would really hope that people got the point that there are most definitely some things under the OSX hood that need a closer look," he said.

Buy a Mac.

But Mac experts have pointed out that none of the exploits have ever successfully been used to hijack an Apple computer.
By contrast hundreds of thousands of Windows machines have been taken over as part of so-called bot nets, which use the hijacked machines to deliver millions of spam e-mails around the world.

Correct.

He said Apple had opened up dialogue about security issues.

He thinks he sees a way to get money from Apple.

"They have certainly given some extra efforts on the backend to open up lines of communication, at least with me.

With any luck they'll pay me to shut up, anyway.

"That sort of progress is what I am after rather than a particular set of bugs."

All I really care about is a steady paycheck.

He said that Apple had in the past not been open to dialogue about security matters, but things were changing for the better.
"I chat quite regularly with some of the security engineers," he said.

Did you ever wonder what it's like to be me?

At the moment there are no plans for the MOAB website to continue.
"Real life comes in to play; the cost of living, the fact that we did it all for free.
"If someone wanted to invest some of their own resources I would be more than willing to continue."

Did I forget to mention that I'm really interested in getting my hands on some money?

Did I miss anything?

21st Century American Presidents for $500 please, Alex.

The Apocalypse

Rush Limbaugh and Steve Jobs agree on the trouble with public schools. If that isn't at least two horsemen of the apocalypse, I have the page turned upside down.

In May, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates will both talk on the same stage, at the D: All Things Digital Conference put on by The Wall Street Journal. They're going to have an unscripted conversation about the future of technology. Steve will say something profound, then Bill will paraphrase it back – getting a couple of things wrong but pretending it's the same thing and claiming that he said it first.

Later, Steve will give Bill a wedgie, and probably a noogie.

The Windows Machine

I was doing my regular research – reading Fake Steve – when I learned that Michael Gartenberg is going to move from Jupiter Research to Microsoft. He's going to be an "enthusiast evangelist," helping enthusiasts and influencers (sic) understand the great things going on in Redmond. He'll also have a podcast.

I read his blog so you don't have to. Near as I understand it, he's going to be preaching to the choir – Microsoft enthusiasts. His fan club will consist of people who consider "reboot" to be a part of their normal day. He'll be keeping them abreast of the exciting things Microsoft is doing; writing on the website and in his podcast.

So, basically, he can just download the archives of MacDailyNews and The Apple Insider. Then, when a story is three or four years old, he can just just do a Find/Replace; take out Apple; put in Microsoft, then report it on his podcast.

Enthusiasts who have iTunes on their Windows machines and iPods can listen to his podcast.

No, none of them are links. If you're a Microsoft enthusiast, though, watch for your chance to download a PODCAST from Michael Gartenberg – with your Apple software to your Apple hardware – about what great stuff Microsoft has.

Weekend News Digest

Cisco says Apple can have a little more time to respond to the lawsuit about the iPhone trademark. That makes sense to me. Just because getting a big one up the butt is a sure thing is no reason to be in hurry.

I only smoked a little bit of crack

Fred Amoroso, CEO of Macrovision wants Apple to just give Macrovision FairPlay. Just give it to them. Good thinking, skeezix. Apple should also give Macrovision iTunes, OS X,, and a bright shiny quarter. Then Steve Jobs should drop his drawers in the center of town at noon.

You can go read what he said if you want to waste precious irreplaceable moments of your finite existence looking for it. If you're the kind of person who is intrigued by Bat Boy articles in the Weekly World News, this will be right up your alley.

If you want to read it properly translated into English, I recommend Daring Fireball. Mr Gruber, as always, has parsed the true meaning out of the drivel.

Backdated Stock Options

Odd. The sight of that phrase doesn't make me hyperventilate. Hmmm. Well, I guess I just don't get it.

Q: Do you think it is reasonable to kill a living animal just so you can eat it?
A: I can't think of another reason to kill them.

Depression Sets In

It's a natural extension of stupidity that the stupid are unaware of their condition.

I have received an article from The Onion in my email. As it turns one of my acquaintances who is of the Windows Faithful, and has a lifelong irony deficiency sent me this:

CUPERTINO, CA—Only a month after the much-heralded announcement of the iPhone, Apple CEO Steve Jobs confirmed that his engineers were already working around-the-clock on the touchscreen smartphone's far-superior replacement. "We looked at [the iPhone's] innovative user interface, the paradigm-shifting voicemail, the best-in-class mobile browser, and we realized we could make all that seem ridiculously outdated by the time the product becomes available to customers in June," said Jobs, who described the project as "Apple reinventing the iPhone." "When the second-generation iPhone comes out this fall, we want iPhone users to feel not just jealous, but downright foolish for owning such laughably primitive technology." Jobs also hinted that the second iPhone device would not be compatible with existing Mac computers, third-party peripherals, or any future Apple products.

For those who don't know, The Onion is a satire site. Humor. The Onion makes fun of everything.

1. It's supposed to be funny.

2. It's made up.

3. Moron.

To make it even more ironic, it's probably pretty close to true.

It's exactly impossible to own a cutting edge technology device. Exactly impossible. The only company that even makes innovative stuff is Apple. If you own an Apple product, it's not nearly as cool as the stuff they're playing with in the lab. Only Apple can do that.

Microsoft can't innovate software beyond what will run on a Dell and an HP with equal aplomb. Dell and HP can't build anything that won't run Windows. Decisions are made by inter-company meetings and innovation that isn't killed immediately in committee is killed by the bureaucracy. New ideas are killed by a thousand gutless middle managers striving for adequacy.

Apple can come up with something cool in software and then tweak the hardware to make it work. And vice versa. You'd better come up with something Steve thinks is cool or it's your ass.

Is the iPhone going to ancient technology in August? Hell, it's old news in February. If Apple doesn't have something even cooler in the pipeline, they'll have to change the name again – to Dell.

Note

I don't care much about politics as a general thing. Certain people poke their heads up from time to time into the public eye and just annoy the shit out of me. Some of those people are politicians. Some are actors/actresses or musicians. Whatever it is they're famous for they annoy the crap out of me, not because of their politics but, because they say really stupid things.

Al Gore is one of the many who have mistaken the ability to be heard with the need to say something. He reminds of the guy in the office that can't change his mind and won't change the subject. Even if you grant that a lot of scientists agree with him, he's still crazy as a shithouse rat. And scientists don't necessarily impress me either.

For example:

In the 1970's scientists said margarine was better for you than butter.
In the 1980's scientists developed imitation margarine that was better for you than margarine which was still better than butter.
In the 1990's trans-fats were found to be more harmful than butter. Trans-fat and yellow are the two major ingredients in margarine.

I decided in the 70's that man-made stuff may be tasty, but there is no way that a substitute manufactured by scientists is better than the real stuff. I ate butter the whole time. Still do.

If you think scientists are smarter than you, you probably haven't met many. I have. I live among them. I know their customs and folkways. On a percentage basis, scientists are no smarter than an equal number of file clerks. It would be just as easy to get 10,000 scientists to believe something idiotic as an equal number of baristas. So 10,000 scientists agreeing on something just doesn't impress me. They're just people. No smarter or dumber than an equal sampling of kindergarten teachers.

I think man-made global warming is a crock of shit. I've never seen any science to show me that it isn't. I'm smart enough to get the real science if it's logically presented in plain English. I still haven't seen it.

To people who ask, "What if it's real and we don't do something about it?" If it's real, there would be available hard science supporting it. There isn't. It isn't.

No. I'm not going to go listen to Al Gore. Not because of politics, but because the guy creeps me out. When forced, I'll admit to being conservative politically, but I'm not a Republican. I think they're a bunch of leg-humping leeches just like the Democrats.

Nurse, plasma. Stat.

Sheesh

So in the last post I had a Rush-Limbaugh-on-steroids moment and wrote that I think global warming is a bunch of made-up crap. Then this guy named Nick gets on the comment line and proceeds to inform me that I must be the world's biggest jackass because I obviously haven't heard the right reverent Al Gore's sermon on the subject of Carbon Dioxide.

Pardon the shit out of me, but I don't genuflect at the name "Al Gore." I don't know what his science background is, but I'm willing to bet he's smoked a lot more grass than anybody who makes a living as a scientist. When Al Gore says something, particularly something so politically easy as getting behind the new global warming religion, I'm inclined to skepticism. Actually, my bullshit meter is set to alarm at anything Al Gore says. Not that he's never correct, mind you; it just works out better on a percentage basis to err on the side of caution.

BTW, Nick. This is a Blog, not the Washington Post. I'm primarily here because no reputable paper in the world will print my inane babble. And rightfully so. Please feel free to make comments. You and I can share the illusion that our opinions are worth the calories it took to formulate them.

Moving On

Forbes and BusinessWeek have weighed in on the Steve Jobs DRM letter. They're all trying to figure out how His Steveness is going to profit from The Letter.

I've already held forth on the topic enough. Screw DRM, anyway.

Apple makes money by building great stuff, and running it with great software. If a company is going to successfully slow down the Apple juggernaut they'll do it by building better stuff and running it with better software. In order to do that, they're gonna have to innovate up something new. That's risky. That's what Apple keeps doing.

The problem is they all want the brass ring but they don't want to risk falling off the painted pony to reach it.

Good luck, kids.

Global Warming Update

Al Gore will not be campaigning on the Eastern Seaboard this week.

If you want to dither on about global warming, Maine is probably not the place to hang out for the next few days.

Let's go find some scientists whose specialty is discerning the causes of climate change and see if we can get a consensus. Near as I can tell, those scientists who study just that think that the whole man-made climate thing is a load of horseshit.

The real science of climate change focuses on the greenhouse gases that are produced by mother Earth. Volcanoes spew so much shit into the air that the man-made stuff isn't even significant. It isn't difficult to figure it out. You want to stop global warming? Trap all the crap that volcanoes are spitting out. Convert all that gunk into organic bean sprouts and tofu.

Next topic:

Dead Celebrities

They make a pile of money for one talent or another. They entertain us for a while. They die. Sometimes (Bob Hope springs to mind) they do more than merely entertain. But not often. Can we please keep this in perspective? Anna Nicole Smith was probably a nice lady. It's a shame she died so young. She wasn't Indira Ghandi. She wasn't even Norma Jean Mortensen.

Move on.

War in Iraq

Mr. President,

Please send as much conventional ordnance to the Middle East (Iraq, Iran, Syria, Jordan, Saudi Arabia) as is necessary to quell terrorism. When the terrorism has stopped, we can stop bombing. Surgical strikes against buildings alleged to be occasionally visited by people sympathetic to terrorism will be fine. If you really want to get a Republican elected in 2008, make a deal with North Korea, too.

Here's the deal:

1. Stop building Nukes.

2. Stop threatening to build Nukes.

3. Allow inspectors to come in with absolute freedom of movement to verify the two above requirements are met.

4. Or, you can host some above-ground testing of some of our old stuff to make sure is isn't past the expiration date.

Oh yeah, China and Russia can just shut the fuck up about it. If we want any smartass back-talk from Commies we'll ask.

Europe - Kiss my ass.

Good News

No news.

Steve Jobs isn't in jail. Vista still sucks.

There is an anti-Vista movement afoot: Vuck Vista. I'd link it if I was any kind of decent chap.

I'm not.

Too much work. There are probably some anti-self-immolation sites too. Seems too obvious of a thing to oppose.

Don't set fire to yourself. Don't waste money of bloatware that will piss you off.

To run Vista on your Mac, you have to pay extra for the Giant Economy Size Phosphate-Free Super Vista with a Sparkling Drop of Retsyn. Which you could if you really need Vista. Read: You really need the Beta Version of an inferior knock-off of the two-year old operating system you're already using.

Running Vista on a PC will probably require the purchase of a new computer. Might as well get a Mac.

The only reason to use Windows is to run old stuff. Run it with XP. Buy Mac versions of new stuff.

Windows Vista: Yesterday's technology at tomorrow's prices.

Maybe not EMI

Really. Check the news. Not here. Somewhere else on the web.

I'm not into news. This blog is all about unfounded, utterly prejudiced opinions and unalloyed dissent.

Feel free to disagree with me in the comments. Then you and I can share the idiotic illusion that our opinions have any significance whatsoever.

Waitress! Refill, please.

The Record Companies

Guys, guys. guys. Stop kicking a songwriter for just a minute or two. Just for a little while let the record company run itself; drag your heads out of your asses and listen up. I'm a customer. You guys seem to be all about somebody else. The customers who think about you at all think you're morons.

Here are a few facts you might want to know about your customer.

1. There is no such thing as copy protected music. It doesn't exist. Really. It's Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the tooth fairy. Copy protected music is Joe Biden's chances at winning the White House. It's beyond nonexistent. If I want a song so bad that I'm willing to buy a CD to get it, I can share it. There isn't a frigging thing anybody can do about it. Bust all the P2P sites you want to. Sue everybody who ever had Limewire on their desktops. Guess what. You can't stop, "Hey! You wanna rip this CD?"

2. As long as there is copy protection on a file, I don't want it too bad. Especially a low quality audio file. Why would I pay $0.99 for a low-res song I can't share when I can get the same song for the same price on a CD? Because I can buy one song at a time? Nice try. If I just want one song I can download it for free. Somebody somewhere has it and is willing to share it.

3. I don't rip off my music. I prefer to pay for my stuff. I like believing I've done the right thing. Not because I feel sorry for starving smarmy talent agencies or slimy shitbags in neckties. I like to pay up because it's the right thing to do and that's the way I was taught.

4. Everybody knows that Record company moguls are far more interested in protecting their own compensation packages than about the "artist." They're no more interested in the well being of the artists than a grocer is interested in the well being of a roll of toilet paper. When they get up on their back legs and whine about the rights of "artists," everybody with functioning brain cells knows that they're really talking about their own Christmas bonuses.

Finally, 80+% of us are too stupid to steal, so we'll keep paying over and over for the same songs. We don't want our city streets littered with greasy men carrying cardboard signs that say "Will screw a musician for food."

Vista. Zune.

I noticed that nobody is really mentioning them, so I thought I should. A public service.

For simplicity and compatibility with your filing system, they're in alphabetical order.

Vista. Zune.

I feel dirty.

Note to Microsoft: Feel free to make large deposits into my brokerage account.

I've been reading all kinds of silly crap about the whole DRM letter from Steve Jobs. I'll bet you a bright shiny quarter that was all ol' Steve had in mind from the get-go. He just wanted to stir the shit a little. Things were dying down; it was a Tuesday. There weren't any new products to introduce and His Steveness was bored. So he decided to goose the system and get everybody jabbering.

It worked. The whole world's all riled up about DRM again. Guess what. They're all talking about Apple and Steve Jobs.

All the articles go "Apple blah blah blah iPod blah blah blah blah iTunes blah blah blah ruling the whole frigging world of digital download blah blah blah blah Steve Jobs blah blah Beatles blah blah blah."

Then in the last couple of paragraphs, "Yada yada Zune yada yada Playforsure yada yada Microsoft yada yada yada getting their asses kicked by Apple."

Steve Jobs just bought Apple favorable mention on half the websites on the internet. All it cost him was a little white space on Apple.com. More than half the literate blogs are positive. The bulk of the negative blog posts are bullshit or badly written; most are both.

Steve Jobs 1| Nitwits 0

Artie McStrawman has a website. Idiots with no sense of irony are calling him a mindless fanboy. That, my friends is what we're up against. The people who hate us are far too stupid to be engaged on a meaningful level.

Another Observation

Most of my music is ripped from CDs.

Some of my music is from iTunes.

All of my music is legally purchased in one form or the other.

DRM has had virtually no impact on my utterly mundane existence. My diet still contains approximately the national average of carbs, lard, salt, and junk. A tell-all about my life wouldn't sell a magazine, much less a subscription. I'm still somewhat less overweight than I was this time last year. My shoes still fit - both pair. Everything is about the same as it would be if all music was free and legal.

The only significant impact on my life from DRM is that the internet seems to clog up from time to time with people bitching about DRM.

If Apple and all the record companies drop DRM tomorrow I'll probably have two eggs, some sausage, and a cup of coffee before I go to work. Just to celebrate. Who knows, I might even have the side salad and a diet pop with my tuna melt for lunch. What the hell? It's a holiday.

This whole thing has got me on edge. I probably won't sleep a wink for another twenty minutes or so.

Whoo-Hooo.

STFU

Really.

Mr. Steve announced that he wasn't a big fan of DRM. You might have missed that if you were rescued late this afternoon from an uncharted island in the South Pacific.

Yippee-skip.

What does it mean?

It means exactly zip-point- shit.

Steve Jobs stated an opinion. Everybody who knows how to spell A-P-P-L-E is on the internet opining about what it means. It means Steve Jobs has an opinion. Now, if Apple, Inc. (or the RIAA or the "Big Four") actually acts on that and does something because of it, that will mean something.

I, myself, personally think Steve Jobs is a visionary. If all these nattering knuckleheads were able to successfully second guess El Jobso on a regular basis, he wouldn't be a visionary. Steve has a plan. It seems to be working.

All the posturing and postulating about "What it means" is about as useful as long underwear in hell.

With all the name calling going on from both sides of the MS/Apple aisle, you'd think His Steveness had announced his candidacy for President.

As a Republican.

All he did was say, "Stop bitching to me about DRM. Take your whiny ass down the hall and bitch to the record companies. Oh yeah, and Europe -- kiss my ass."

Apple's stock went up two bucks today.

I'm still going to buy an iPhone.

Shut up.

Steve Jobs on DRM

Every frigging blog on the web that is concerned with Apple, Vista, music, iPods, Zunes, electronics, power tools, or tree fruit has reported and commented on Steve Jobs' letter on the Apple website.

Synopsis of the Steve Jobs DRM letter to planet dumbass:

1. DRM sucks.

2. It wasn't my idea.

3. I hate it.

4. Hey Europe. Kiss my ass.

Everything else was details, numbers, and schmooze.

I love this job.

Vista Update

Huh. Nothing. Okay. Skip that.

Apple Update

Apple, Inc. and Apple Corps make nicey-nice.

Cool. Now that I've bought Beatles songs on vinyl albums, eight-tracks, cassettes, CDs, DVDs, and two at a time on 45s I can buy the songs one at a time again @ $0.99 a song.

Over the years, I'm pretty sure I've bought Sir Paul at least one giant economy size bag of primo weed out of my own meager wages. Oh well.

Candy Bar Update

For the record:

If I had been eating a Snickers bar when the Superbowl ad aired, I would have spit it out.

Snickers ads have been getting progressively weirder for quite a while. Silly weird, but just weird. As of Sunday, the sight of a Snickers bar will, for the rest of my life make me think, "EEEEEeeeeeeeewww."

Good night Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.

Briefly

It's over.

I predicted Chicago would cover the spread. All the odds makers agreed that statistically the game should have been decided by seven points. So, if you bet money on Chicago – spread or no spread – you lost your ass.

Speaking of which, my Mom picked the Colts to win (straight up) based on her assessment that Peyton Manning has the cutest tush in the NFL.

And that takes care of the science portion of todays lesson.

Interestingly, the game should have been every football fan's dream. The most touted aspects of each team's game spent most of the game mugging for the cameras. Indy's offense and Chicago's defense spent most of the game on the field.

As a football fan, I have only one dream (beyond the Seahawks bringing home the Vince Lombardi Trophy):

Boys: stop with those constant girly-man little dances every time you do the job you're getting paid to do. When a football player does a little dance after a tackle, it's like an auto mechanic celebrating when he figures out how to open the hood. Knowledgeable onlookers start to wonder if you really have done this before.

Okay, you sacked the quarterback. Yippee. Save the calories you were going to expend mincing around like an eleven-year-old girl at her first dance. Spend those calories tackling somebody else. That's what you do for a living. For crying out loud.

I just have to laugh when you do the nanny-nanny-boo-boo dance after every minor success, "Hey everybody! Look at me. I finally did what they pay me to do," and then go on to lose the game. Wankers. It's pathetic enough when you neener-neener-neener after a touchdown; but dancing around like you're waiting for the men's room key after sacking the quarterback is just lame.

Try. Please try to look like grown men out there. I noticed very little of that kind of silly crap from the Chicago Bears, and none of it from Indianapolis Colts today. Coincidence? I think not.

Note to the lawyers: I did not mention Chad Brown or Shawn Merriman by name.

Weekend Recap

This week in Apple news, nothing much happened.

Melissa in accounting had a hangnail on Monday, and was unable to find the fingernail clippers she was certain she had in her desk. She spent several minutes looking for them. Eventually she borrowed a pair from Mike in the next cubicle. Other than that it was a pretty slow week.

A company in Washington introduced a new theme for Intel-based, non Apple computers. The theme, called Vista – although it looks an awful lot like OS X and does a lot of the same stuff – is certainly not a copy of OS X. The lead geek for the company said as much. Also, a copy would have been better received by the tech press. They announced it in New York because frankly, in Washington we're pretty sick of hearing about it.

There will be another football game tomorrow. The Chicago Bears will play the Indianapolis Colts. The line is the Colts by 7. If I was betting, I'd take the Bears and the spread. My Mom thinks the Colts will win. Mom's scientific appraisal of the game is, "Peyton Manning has the cutest tush in the NFL." It's hard to argue with that. I haven't developed a system for accurately comparing pro footbal players' tush cuteness. If you know someone who has, please don't tell me about it. Thank you.

I got my new issue of Mac|Life today. They like the iPhone. Go figure. After carefully reading their article about the iPhone, I still want one. I also want an AppleTV thingy, a new Airport Extreme base station, and a Mac Pro with 16 Gb of RAM, 2 Tb of HD, ps, at, ac, am/fm/cassette/CD/mp3/VHS/Beta.

One other small note: The hullaballoo over DVD formats means exactly dick. By the time the dust settles, CDs and DVDs will seem as rustic and quaint as vinyl records and cathode ray tubes. Hard media is dead.

Morons on the Loose

Lawyer alert: My lawyers have notified me that I cannot "name names" when insulting idiots. From this point forward Rip Ragged will use pseudonyms to identify people later referred to as dumbasses. Rip Ragged regrets any confusion this may cause.


Raw Benderly has announced that any corporation which allows an iPhone within 100 yards of corporate headquarters will be bankrupt within weeks. This is because of the Sarbanes-Smoot-Hawley-Olly-Oxen-Free Act, which clearly states in paragraph 4, section b, subpart iv, "cellular communication devices with fewer than nine buttons and graphical interfaces of an iconized nature are specifically banned from trading quantised heterogenous inchoate balance sheets during backwardation of factoring. Redoubled undertricks cost twice as much as doubled undertricks. If both utilities are owned, roll the dice and multiply by ten."

Also, the iPhone cannot be used as a LAN, a WAN, or a King's Cut Prime Rib dinner (with extra sour cream on the baked potato) due to it's small size and singular nature. The iPhone has other drawbacks that make it unsuitable for use in Enterprise environments as well. The phone is prone to drop calls at speeds in excess of Warp Factor 5, and impulse engines can cause severe interference.

Other problems caused by the iPhone haven't even been talked about in the mainstream press. It's a choking hazard. If used by multiple people who don't wash their hands after peeing, it could spread disease. The iPhone won't break down easily in a compost pile. An iPhone carelessly left in the driveway could damage tires. iPhones will not extinguish Class C fires. To prevent brain damage, iPhones should never be used for extended periods in atmospheres of less than 16.5% oxygen. If you tear your Anterior Cruciate Ligament while using an iPhone it could cause permanent damage.

According to Mr. Benderly, the only people who should even consider owning, using or mentioning iPhones are people who do not own, patronize, recognize, or work for companies, non-profit organizations, or Google.

I did my best to write stupider stuff than Benderly's drivel. How did I do? It has been suggested by some of my fellow Slobbering Apple Fanboys (tm), that Raw Benderly might possibly have dried minced dogshit where the rest of us have brains. Well, maybe not in exactly those words, but the meaning is the same.

MOAB. It's Over.

Well you can exhale. The Mother Of All Blips is over. Go ahead. Let the muscles in your neck relax a bit. Take deep breaths. It was Mostly Obscure Apps Busted.

I don't know about you but I didn't sleep a wink all month between 6 AM and 10 PM, weekdays, just worrying about it. The Minor Obscure Asshat Bitching scared me from the git-go.

How can you not be frightened by a Month Of Antisocial Behavior from a hacker who goes by the cryptic monicker "LMH." (The rumor mill has it that the "L" stands for Linda.)

But it has passed. We no longer have to hide under beds and office furniture. We Slobbering Apple Fanboys (tm) can once again hold our heads high. I Might Order Another Beer.

My Old Apple Beams.