Rumor Roundup

Head 'em up and move 'em out cowpokes. Here's a whole passel of notions running around that may or may not be true, a good percentage of which I might make up right on this spot.

Apple...

...will introduce an iPod based on OS X. It will not have a phone in it. It may have bluetooth, WiFi, A/C, PS, AT, AM/FM/CD, 2 br, w/d, and a lovely view of the river.

...will introduce an iPhone that is not an iPod, but will come with a set of attachments for use as a personal massager in the vibrate mode.

...will reduce the price of the iPhone to $199.95 and bundle it with WinCE and Ubuntu.

...will introduce the "Infinite Loofah" line of skin care products.

...will introduce "Leopard" with all the same worldwide fanfare that is normally reserved for bridge openings and the promotions of middle managers. People will deliberately buy it in spite of a huge lack of mass marketing.

Microsoft...

...will continue to buy up as much Linux as it can, in the sincere hope that somehow this means Vista doesn't suck so bad.

...will introduce Vista Super Maximum Ultimate Professional Edition with a sparkling drop of Retsyn®. It will suck.

...will introduce a new Zune that has 802.11n WiFi, bluetooth, a .306 batting average, an ERA of 1.87, and a side of onion rings. It will continue to make a market among people who don't mind paying for first rate products and services while getting third rate products and service.

The tech press...

... will continue praise Microsoft products as long as those products melt down without killing babies and endangered species a significant percent of the time.

... will continue to riff on Steve Jobs every time a battery needs to be replaced in an iPod.

... will continue to talk about the Free Software people as though they are Mahatma Ghandi with better Karma, when in reality they just don't get the whole "free market" thing. (The golden rule of art and science: Who has the gold makes the rules.)

... will perpetuate the belief that because Jeff Goldblum could hack a hostile alien empire's computers in a few hours by merely deciding to do so, the Mac is vulnerable.

Rip Ragged...

...will introduce a line of lingerie based on the concept of Earth's atmosphere containing 75% Nitrogen, 20% Oxygen, and 5% other stuff.

...will introduce a new diet – based on the Mayan calendar – with emphasis on well-marbled medium rare ribeye steaks, egg-yolk-and-butter-based sauces, New York cheesecake, India Pale Ale, single malt scotch, and hand-rolled Nicaraguan robustos.

Okay. I've farted around long enough. It's bed time.