Fanboy Horoscopes for October

Well, there's no news. Even FSJ doesn't have anything going on. It's as good a time as any to cover the Asstrological forecast for the coming month.

Aries

This is the month to outfit the downstairs bathroom with an Apple TV, an Airport Express, and that charging station from Pottery Barn. This is not the month to pinch that zit on your forehead in a weekly sales meeting.

Taurus

Sure, you'd like to run Quicken and Eve Online on your iPhone. We all would. It just isn't time yet. Watch for a sign from Sagittarius; she's in the road crew; it says, "Slow." Do something about your hair.

Gemini

It's time to give up on bringing the Olympics to Sandusky. The police know all about the bowling ball and the German Shepherd. Also, Leopard will not run on your Newton. Ever.

Cancer

She isn't coming back, man. Give up. On the bright side, with the extra money you'll have, you can replace the monitor she emptied a clip of nine-millimeter rounds into. In October, call a plumber about the leaky faucet in the kitchen.

Leo

You have the coolest computer on the whole block, the nicest desktop picture anyone has ever seen, and the best music selection in iTunes imaginable, and oh WOW, that visualizer you set up is gnarly. Okay? Now will you shut the fuck up?

Virgo

You have no friends; no social life. You're as dull as dirt. Nobody ever talks to you, anymore. If you'd ever look up from Bookworm Deluxe for five minutes you'd already know that.

Libra

If today is your birthday, well la-de-da. In October many Libras will bitch about getting another year older, not getting their whole $200 back on the iPhone they bought too early, and that the dogdamn thing is bricked because they put their T-Mobile SIM in it. Waa.

Scorpio

Oh, stop screaming. Feckin' hell that's annoying. If you really can't live without a Why Don't We Do It in the Road ringtone, go buy some shareware. Also, in October you should start trying to date members of your own species. Because, damn.

Sagittarius

You have a booger showing.

Capricorn

No, he wasn't. Get over it. He was more likely a Taurus or a Gemini; maybe Aries. Your lime-green clamshell isn't going to run Leopard. If it does it'll be slower than Paris Hilton doing integral calculus. It's time to upgrade. Take a shower.

Aquarius

Having a dozen 1-900 numbers in your favorites is weird, but it isn't even in the broad spectrum of normal to have one listed as ICE. That's wrong. In October, you will not be watching the Mariners play baseball, creating an ideal opportunity to do that annual cleaning under your fingernails.

Pisces

October is a good month to forgive old grievances. Move on. Put down the pistol and release the hostages. Honestly, it was only two-hundred bucks. Get over it.