Thanks, Bill

Bill Maher has dissed the iPhone early adopters. Bill is a bitter, angry little man. It's too bad he isn't funny any more. I seem to recall he used to be funny. Then he just got to be a strident, harping, politically motivated jackass. I used to think that Dennis Miller was a lot funnier before he came out of the closet and announced his conservatism, too.

Is it just me, or does it seem like more and more celebrities announce their politics these days? Most of them announce they're liberal or democrats; some announce republican or conservative. Clint Eastwood called himself a small "L" libertarian in one interview I read recently. Then you have Susan Sarandon and Rosie O'Donnell – limousine liberals of the first water.

So, I've decided to personally join the political fray. I have useless opinions and meaningless beliefs that are every bit as insignificant as those of a movie actor or a failed standup comic.

Rip Ragged for President

Here's my platform:

Abortion: The Federal government should neither regulate nor fund abortions. States that fund abortions must do so with funds specifically approved by the voters for that purpose. Federal funds for other projects should be withheld as a dollar for dollar equivalent to state money from other sources spent on abortions.

A woman has a right to do whatever she wants with her body. She does not have a right to my money to do it.

Taxes: One flat income tax on everybody. If you earn money, you pay your taxes. The only tax deductions are for charity and a home mortgage. Donations to a church are 100% no-limit tax credits. That's where the poor and sick are going for meals, when the family can't handle it.

Welfare: Done. Gone. Toast. The Great Society failed. The government's job is to maintain the domestic tranquility and provide for the common defense. Feeding the poor and helping the old and sick is what we have churches to do.

Education: The federal government under Rip will get out of the Education racket altogether. All those unemployed bureaucrats will have to find real jobs. That will help reduce the tax burden on productive citizens. If parents want their kids to get a decent education, well, they'll just have to do something a little more proactive than pack a lunch and find the bus stop. Let's face it, the feds aren't doing the job worth a shit now. The per-child cost of education has gone up every year for the last fifty years, while the quality of education has gone steadily down the toilet. You want your kids to get educated, get off your ass and see to it.

Racial Profiling: It's the most efficient method out there for assessing a threat. If you're looking for a terrorist threat, your best bet is to look for men of Middle-Eastern descent between the ages of 18 and 40. With the exception of Timothy McVeigh, they've all fit that description. Statistically speaking, time spent patting down middle-aged white people at airport security is not going to accomplish much of value. The trade-off is that within 2-sigma on our bell curve, middle-aged white people tend to be terribly bland.

The War in Iraq: It's time to end it. In my inauguration speech I will explain that all terrorist activity in Iraq must cease immediately. By immediately, I will mean that fifteen minutes after the very next terrorist attack American warplanes will level Tehran and Damascus. After subsequent terrorist acts we will blow up their oil production, then their cities, then their suburbs.

Israel and Palestine: We will broker a peaceful solution. After that it will be wise to note that Israel is a U.S. ally. The next nation to attack Israel or sponsor an attack against them without violent provocation by the Israeli military will be eradicated. That was the negotiation. If you missed it, sorry.

North Korea: If you look at the land area of the country as compared to the yield of your more popular conventional ordnance, it just seems like less of a problem than all this hullaballoo would lead you to believe. Kim, STFU. Seriously.

As commander in chief, I will conduct as much diplomacy as possible before Americans, our allies, or our interests are attacked. After that, negotiations will be initiated by the leader(s) of the attacking country(ies). The two words that will begin peace negotiations will be "Unconditional" and "Surrender." Hostage negotiations? If you release them and I confirm it before the bombers get there, I might be able to call them off before they level your port city.

We're going to build an independent energy policy involving nuclear power, bio-fuels, solar, wind, geothermal, fat guys riding bicycles, and whatever else works. Screw global warming. I don't believe in it. There's no more hard science behind global warming than there is proving the existence of Santa Claus. We just need to get out of OPEC's checkout line.

We're going to stop paying farmers not to grow things.

I'll have every song ever recorded by The Beatles, Pink Floyd, Van Morrison, Tom Lehrer, and Ray Charles on my iPod. The oval office gets a Mac Pro with a 30" monitor.

The White House chef will know how to prepare a Ribeye steak exactly medium rare. It is served alone on a plate; on the side is salt, pepper, a sharp knife, a fork, and a 16 oz. glass of India Pale Ale.

The National Night-Cap will be Islay Scotch, neat.