Thursday, December 28, 2006

No News Today

After thoroughly researching the internet (actually I went to Google news and spent about 30 seconds), I was unable to find a single Apple-stock-option, Macintosh or iPod tragedy to make fun of.

With that out of the way I am free to do whatever I want.

Cupertino --

Sources near the end of the bar where the story was first told report that Steve Jobs came out of the closet this morning.

He asked, "Are there any stains on this shirt?"

It was clear that he was quite prepared to go back into the closet for a different shirt should that shirt prove unwearable. That is the kind of leadership that makes Apple the company it is. As it turned out, there were no visible stains and there was no need to get a different shirt.

Unrelated item:

A recent Rip Ragged (unscientific) poll suggests that a lot of people would really rather not be bothered with polls. Especially polls by people who are obviously selling something while I'm trying to eat a slab of lukewarm meatloaf smothered in bottled brown gravy before it reaches room temperature. The consensus is that there has to be a way to backtrack those assholes so I can go to their houses in the middle of dinner and offer to "shampoo your carpet for free just for allowing me to demonstrate the superiority of a Kirby vacuum cleaner." Then just keep ringing the doorbell and getting the door slammed in my face until they have to call the cops to drag my Vitalis-and Old-Spice-reeking, plaid-polyester-suited smarmy ass off the front porch still yelling "It will only take 15 minutes. You'll be amazed."

The margin of error of this poll is too big to be bothered with.

Most of the sources used herein are unreliable, frequently drunk, and more fun to have around than the other kind – except when they don't have enough money to buy their own beer, which is most of the time.