Steve, You Idiot

Mike Elgan over at Computerworld has made it very clear that Steve Jobs has once again screwed Apple. Introducing the iPhone was a huge mistake. The stock-option backdating scandal is obviously the only reason he introduced it in January instead of waiting 'til June.

And it's just what I've been saying all along. It doesn't do what all the other products do.

It doesn't have a make-up mirror.

Even the 8 Gb model won't hold as much video as a device with more memory.

It would take literally thousands of them to properly insulate a two-bedroom house.

Since it won't differentiate alpha energies, it's useless for discriminating between plutonium and radon.

It does not provide any of the B vitamins, and has no significant antioxidant properties.

It's a rectangle. How last century is that?

It doesn't have a floppy drive, a subwoofer, or Dolby 7.1 capability.

Boy, Steve Jobs sure is stupid

It won't print Encapsulated PostScript files.

Also – just like they did when Apple announced the switch to Intel – people will hold off buying lawn statuary and Kitaro CDs while they wait for it to come out. That was pretty rough on ol' Apple.

He announced it too soon. He should have let the FCC announce it for him while he was waiting for approval, then wait six months to sell it. Stock-option backdating scandal

Preheat the oven to 350 ºF.

Cisco filed a lawsuit against Apple. Apple just can't handle a lawsuit.

Apple's phone looks just like some other phone somewhere that no one has seen a picture of yet. Apple might get sued. (See Cisco).

Keep your head up. Don't stand flat-footed

Then there's the stock-option backdating scandal that must somehow be related although nobody knows how.

Damn, Steve. I'm really disappointed.

Hey Mike. How's your multi-billion-dollar corporation doing?

The Zoom Thingy

Scary Microsoft Guy said today that the Zoom thingy has captured 20-25% of the high-dollar mp3 player market. Then he laughed at the iPhone. Claimed it was WAAAAAAAY too expensive. One of his criteria for laughing at the iPhone was that Microsoft has sold "millions and millions" of phones, and Apple hasn't sold a single one. He obviously has no sense of irony.

Let's see, he's selling an expensive, useless-feature laden brick with a suck-ass user interface and abusive DRM scheme and getting his ass kicked in the music player market.

The crippled, clunky, cheese-ball phones he's selling millions and millions of were instantly superannuated last Tuesday in San Francisco. They sucked before there was an iPhone. Now there's an alternative on the horizon. Microsoft can break even on the deal if the stockholders will accept obsolete crap in lieu of dividends.

Vista is selling more Macs that Justin Long.

He's bragging. If I was Bill Gates I'd be telling him, "Dude. STFU. Really."

Oh yeah, Macs and iPods are selling faster than Eskimo Pies in Hell.

These are good days to be a fanboy.

Correction

In today's (1/17/07) New York Times Crossword, the clue was:
1 Down: Popular mp3 player.
Sorry if I misled anyone.

Apple Earnings Report Due Tomorrow

Tomorrow afternoon Apple will report their earnings for the most recent quarter. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you place your bets:

1. People who want or need smart phones can afford $500.

2. Nobody says "mp3 player" unless they're fighting over the leftovers of the iPod market.

3. People who spend $500 for a smart phone want one that kicks ass.

4. The four letters that go in 1 Across: Digital Jukebox are I P O D.

5. All the currently available smart phones are obsolete, new, in the original shrink-wrap.

6. Because the iPhone kicks ass.

7. Apple introduced two products at MacWorld.

8. Hundreds of new products were introduced at CES.

9. Without using a search engine, name two.

Totally unrelated observation

There is a word for people who think all they need to navigate through snow and ice and mud is a 4x4. That word is: stupid. In case you missed the news, advertising is just about pure bullshit. The TV ads showing SUVs driving vertically up the sides of snow-covered ice cubes are not real.

Driving in snow and ice requires skill. A 4x4 is a tool to make the job easier if you already know what to do – like a screwdriver. If you don't know which way to turn the screw, it doesn't matter if it's standard or phillips.

A 4x4 in the hands of a novice is like a pistol in the hands of a monkey. Except the monkey is less dangerous.

Try the beans. Don't forget ketchup.

On Football

I got a great comment, that made me think I should go off on football for a minute. Maybe two.
MacFan said...
"Sorry about the Seahawks. It sucks, I know, but at least you're not in Houston like me...At least your team made it to the playoffs and there's hope for next year. There's NO hope for the Texans unless the whole ownership and upper management changes."
The difference between the Houston Texans and the Chicago Bears is not a big one. NFL teams are made up of the elite football players in the country. From the standpoint of skill, brains, strength and talent, the differences between teams are minor. Even though the teams at the far ends of the spectrum, it is a very narrow spectrum.

The difference is a nanosecond.

The things that make championship teams happen are teamwork, team-think, and team attitude. That happens with players who put the team above themselves, and believe in their teammates to do the same. Part of that is coaching. Part of that is the attitudes of the individual players. When you believe in your own skills and you believe that your teammates are all together, you don't have to think about what you'll do next. Your muscles know what to do.

With skills, strength, speed, and smarts being the same, the difference that lets one guy beat another on the football field is a nanosecond of hesitation. The TV camera won't see it. It will look like a good play to all the world, but a nanosecond of uncertainty about whether a teammate will make a block, catch a pass, or beat a receiver will make the difference in one matchup. A nanosecond of doubt about your own ability to make the play lets the other guy win. The team with the fewest nanoseconds of hesitation will win the play, and ultimately the game.

The reason the Seahawks matched up as well as they did against the Bears; the reason they even got to that game is because the entire team is built on those basic principles. If you can sell me another reason for their success, I'll fly to Houston and buy you a beer. Their defense was The Replacements. The O-line was a game of musical chairs. They didn't have the same receiving corps on the field for any kind of consistent look for the quarterback. Matt Hasselbeck missed several games with a bad knee, and then played half the season with a broken hand. Shaun Alexander missed six games. Those problems cost them a nanosecond here and a nanosecond there. Through it all, they played as a team; no whining. No finger pointing.

They still went to the Divisional Championship game and almost beat the best team in the NFC.

Houston has the same level of talent. They just need to get those nanoseconds back.

I promise I won't be serious in the next post.

Next post: Something about....

Hey! I was eating that.