Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Do Mac Lovers Hate Tech Analysts?

I saw an article over on MacDailyNews that posed the above question. Actually, MDN didn't ask the question, but they linked to an article that did. I didn't read so far as to find out the name of the twit who actually wondered that out loud. Clown.

The answer is: No. I love TidBits. They're tech analysts. They make sense without being totally slobbering fanboys, and I appreciate them respecting my turf that way. They write stuff I sometimes disagree with, but usually only until after I spit hot coffee on my shirt. Then I settle down.

Really, the answer is, "No, dumbass." But I'm trying to be kind. We LOVE tech analysts. It's just that there are so few of them among the poseurs and hacks.

Mac lovers hate FUD mongers and clods with obvious agendas who publish absolute idiotic drivel. InformationWeak and BusinessWeak come immediately to mind. Seriously, if reading absolute Enderleic, snotty-sleeved, basement-dwelling, pseudoanalytical, anti-Apple garbage appeals to you, those two sites are probably a bit beneath your standards.

Tonight's award for the most ill-informed poorly researched pile of mythological metaphors, flowery platitudes, and bad analogies goes to Roger L. Kay (whose name can be rearranged to spell "York Lager") of BusinessWeak. I linked it. I'm kind of changing my attitude about that. If nobody reads these FUDbots, they'll quit writing. Then I won't have anyone to make fun of except the kid across the street.

York Lager starts out with this twisted gem:

"Just as those living in shiny houses of self-righteous glass often end up surrounded by shards of their former sanctimony, so Apple Inc. now finds itself the increasingly appealing target of software hackers."
First, where the hell do you buy self-righteous glass? If I'm building a house of glass, I think I'll use 3/8" tempered. But that's just me. And then, just exactly what connection does that have to hackers? Apple? Apple isn't in a glass house throwing stones. There are roughly umpteen-skillion fewer pieces of malware written for OS X than Windows. There's a business school technical term for not marketing based on major, obvious advantages over your competition. The term is: stupid.

Then he goes on:
"For years, Apple's marketing has consisted of accentuating the positive and ignoring everything else."
Really? Holy Business one-oh-one, Batman! Apple has only been advertising and marketing the positive aspects of their products? Those bastards! Who the hell do they think they are? Comparing their product favorably to those of the competition, too?! IN AMERICA? I'm shocked. Outraged. [I could show you the rest of the paragraph, but you'd get more value from getting a moist towel and wiping that coffee cup ring off the desk]

Then York Lager explains that "Apple is becoming a victim of its own success, and the irony is just too great to miss. Anyone with a mild sense of history is keeping track." York Lager apparently doesn't quite have a mild sense of history. He drags out the "security by obscurity" dead horse and beats it. A mild sense of history would know how utterly stupid that noise is. He might have misspelled "mild case of histrionics."

The next subheading is a hoot,


Below this subhead he notes that Apple is selling piles of Macs and says, "It's little surprise then that reports of Mac viruses have been rising steadily." On this one note, as a student of mathematics, I want to point out that York Lager is correct. The reports of Mac viruses have risen steadily at a constant rate of zero.

See this line? ______________________________________

That line represents the slope of the increase in Mac viruses. It's been rising steadily at that rate for eight frigging years. If you lean your head slightly to the right, it might look like an upslope, but that's just a trick of the eye (or neck).

Anyway, York Lager dithers on for a few more minutes before delivering the final bon mot:
"Everyone makes mistakes. But society loves to repay hubris with derisive laughter."
Oddly, we provide the same response to ill-conceived gibberish delivered with an air of pomp and pretension.

So, yeah. That kind of FUD-spewing self-proclaimed expert might upset a few Mac lovers. If you want to read about Mac security from a tech analyst, I recommend this post. Over on TidBits, you can get real analysis. Some of it might piss off a rabid fanboy from time to time, but I'll get over it.

Flash for the iPhone. Meh. There sure is a lot of noise about it. I'll bet most of the fuss is funded by Adobe. Those parts of the internet that require Flash to be interesting aren't the ones I go to, so I – selfishly, as usual – could not care less about Flash.

Vista Sucks SP1 is available. I am not making up this quote from Ars Technica. This is straight out of the article. You can go read it here if you doubt me....
"Significant changes include: File copying should no longer have an ETA of hundreds of years..."
The rest of the post is even funnier. All you have to do is read what those poor, downtrodden Windows slaves have to live with to remember why we Mac lovers tend to be just a little on the smug side.

Time for coffee.

Late note: Roughly Drafted does a better job of discussing York Lager if you'd like a little better balance of cynicism and analysis. I try to stay more with the former.