Friday, March 07, 2008

Night of the Living Tech Analysts

I am nodding in the general direction of MacDailyNews for this piece of information.

Tech/financial analyst Peter Misek believes that the iPhone SDK will have no impact on the Blackberry. Mr. (or Ms.) Misek – in a crowded conference room – stripped down to a pair of Spiderman boxers, smeared Smuckers grape jelly on his or her chest, and jumped up and down on the conference table screaming, "I am a clueless idiot. I have no business ever speaking or writing about anything technical. I just got my brain washed and I can't do a thing with it."

I'm kidding. He or she wasn't that subtle. He or she said:

"Microsoft, with Windows Mobile/ActiveSync, Nokia with Intellisync, and Motorola with Good Technology have all fared poorly in the enterprise. We have no reason to expect otherwise from Apple."

Peter, if you should happen to get ahold of this post, which I doubt, listen. There are a couple of things you need to know about technology. Here are some reasons why the companies and products you named aren't satisfactory points of comparison to the iPhone.

1. The hardware you compared to the iPhone is all clunky, ugly, and difficult to use. The lone exception is the Blackberry, which is merely ugly, clunky, and more difficult than an iPhone to use.

2. The software running that hardware is shit. 99 and 44/100 percent pure. It floats. Particularly if that software has the name "Microsoft" anywhere in its pedigree.

3. The software and hardware are designed by committees in different companies.

4. All of those other products suck monkey genitals. Not the Blackberry. It is merely inferior to the iPhone, but in a "worthy technology that's about to get creamed" kind of way.

If you have "no reason to expect different from Apple," you have been asleep for a few years. Everything is different from Apple. Everything.

So here's the deal, Peter, the iPhone is about to make the Blackberry into a frigging relic. Not that it isn't already. If that's your estimation of the "iPhone having a neutral effect" on Blackberry sales, okay.

I'm willing to bet a plate of homemade peanut butter and swiss cheese sandwiches on day old onion bagels that the iPhone is already close to the 10 million mark. You know why? Have you ever noticed that when the question comes up, the Apple spokesperson gets that I-just-had-sex with-your-secretary smug smirk?

Yeah. 10,000,000 is a done deal. The SDK will kick start sales. And there's no reason to wait, either. It's a free upgrade to iPhone 2.0. I'll bet the final sales number gets closer to 15M by the time you factor in Birthdays, Father's Day, Mother's Day, St. Patricks Day, Christmas, and out of control bridal showers.

Blackberries? Without substantial upgrades to the hardware, software, and interface, they're hosed. Gone. Buh-bye. They'll be remembered fondly, like green-screens, 24-pin dot-matrix printers, carburetors, and Earth Shoes. Other than that, they're toast.


And if I'm wrong, may lightning strike Hillary Clinton, or possibly Paris Hilton.

Time for my pills.