Saturday, March 15, 2008

A Few Stupid Things

The stupid people are rather noisy lately. I thought it might be useful to compile a list of things they're saying so that my loyal readers can remain above the fray. If you realize that these noises only come from the informationally infirm it's easier to respond with pity. It's more fun to respond with derision, but it isn't very nice.

Here is the Rip Ragged field guide to flamebaiting:

"Apple has made a major misstep..." Translation: I don't understand what Apple is doing. Therefore it must be wrong. This is the war cry of the wild assclown. Idiots of all stripes flock to this call – illiterate Windopes and screeching Macolytes will wage bloody battle in the forum halls.

"[Insert Apple product or service] is just like/worse than Microsoft. Translation: I don't understand what Apple is doing. Therefore it must be wrong. Oddly, this too brings the warring factions together for semi-literate flame fests.

"I love [Apple, Mac, iPod, iPhone], but..." Translation: Preamble to "Apple has made a major misstep." There must be a formal term for these self negating statements. People always announce what they don't want to do as an introduction to doing it. I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but... Of course, it's none of my business but... I shouldn't talk but... In conversation, I like to cut people off in the middle of the "but" and say, "then don't." In cyberspace, no one can hear you scream, "SHUT UP, DUMBASS."

"Apple has built a closed system with iTunes/iPod/AppleTV/Macintosh/OS X/iLife/iWork/graphite/toolbar/dock/Address Book" Translation: I don't understand what Apple is doing. Therefore it must be wrong. People who have been using Macs for any length of time know that Apple's system is always more open than anything Microsoft. Note: Always means: EVERY. FRIGGING. TIME. Therefore, anyone who makes the noise about an Apple closed system may be casually disregarded. Alternatively, hold up two fingers behind their heads while they're talking.

"i[insert word] killer." Translation: Vaporware or cheap imitation of Apple product. The beta version of any product that is remotely similar to the iPhone/iPod/MacBook Air Jordan is a killer. Android is an iPhone killer. The actual existence of a product immediately diminishes its killerness. Note that the Lenovo X300 got all kinds of "killer" reviews. Now it's shipping. Meh. The MBAJ is still way cool. The killer has vanished. Likewise, the N95.

Android will continue to be an iPhone killer until it actually appears and disappears in the marketplace, or is formally declared dead.

"Apple is the new Microsoft" Translation: Everything should be free. Linux. Open source is good. Profit is bad. This is usually accompanied by the word "monopoly." Once an individual develops this speech pattern, it's best to just keep them comfortable. The individual is in the final stages of terminal assclown. Probably dreams of buying an XO and giving away free Acers loaded with Ubuntu to everyone.

Please speak kindly to these people. It isn't that they're an endangered species or anything, quite the contrary. But, if you speak softly, smile, and win their trust maybe you can get close enough to hang "Kick Me" on their backs.

Time for more coffee.

Worthy afterthought: This is not a complete list, by any means. Please contribute in the comments for a later, more comprehensive field guide to frigtards.

Thank you. We now return you to your regularly scheduled browsing.