Well, That's Over.

Back to reality kids. My football season officially ended today. The Seahawks lost to Chicago. That sucks. There are no more reasons to turn on the TV on the weekend.

Oh, I'll still watch the rest of the playoffs. We'll still have the Superbowl party. We'll wash down carbs and lard with beer. We'll still spit chips and salsa while we scream obscenities at the television screen. But my heart won't be in it.

Football is the only sport that distracts me from my ordinary pursuits of making fun of everyone and everything. There are other sports out there, but who cares?

Baseball: The American Pastime. I'd rather watch my battery terminals corrode.

NASCAR: Rednecks turning left. This is a sport?

Extreme Sports: Contestants are judged on the degree of near-fatal stupidity of individual stunts, and their survival rate.

Boxing: I'd rather watch wrestling, it's less fake.

Basketball: No. This may change now that my daughter is dating a guy that's going to Gonzaga. I'll have to be at least conversant in what's going on in College hoops.

Hockey: No. Grown men who intend to beat the shit out of each other should not be given sticks, and then be penalized for using them.

Golf: If I have absolutely nothing else (including taunting the cats) I could be doing, and Tiger Woods is in the game, okay.

Bowling: Huh?

Poker: I will not drink beer in a bar that has Poker on TV, unless they have IPA on tap. Then they can pretty much have anything on TV, including Lifetime, Oxygen, Hallmark Classics, and Oprah.

Certain Olympic sports are okay. Not figure skating.

Next Article: Something else.

Macworld Apple Synopsis

Apple introduced the iPhone. The iPhone will revolutionize everything. Everything. That includes hairstyles, dog food, soil chemistry, and laundry detergent. Nothing will be the same. Possibly the Oakland Raiders and the Arizona Cardinals will still suck, but hey, it's just a phone, after all.

Apple also introduced the 802.11n AirPort Extreme Base Station that can connect to USB printers and hard drives and be a file server, a printer hub, and a trivet. It will also open garage doors and reset radio clocks up to five blocks away.

Apple announced Apple TV. Now you'll have 360 satellite channels and the entire internet at your fingertips. There still won't be anything on worth watching.

I want one of each, and a burrito with extra cheese.

Thank you.

January 12. Let's Celebrate.

It's January 12th.

For those of you who, like me, spent your childhood and adolescence entirely too close to the television, this is a crucial date in history. This is 41st anniversary of the debut of Batman on TV. The first episode, Hi Diddle Riddle, aired 41 years ago today.

Batman and Robin had some serious technology in those days. They had the Batmobile, the Batostat AntiFire Activator, the Batsignal, and the Batphone. Who needs an iPhone? If you need to talk to somebody you just give the BatSling a flip and walk up the side of the building.

Biff. Bam. Zowie.

Speaking of the Batmobile – it's still the coolest, most boss car ever.

I still want it. I'd trade a truckload of iPhones for that ride.

Neat-O.

Month of Apple Bugs Update.

I momentarily posted that there was only one bug introduced for the MOAB. On further review, there are eleven. An anonymous reader sent a comment that there were eleven bugs. I don't know where that comment went. I thought I published a comment from "anonymous", but since I trashed the original post the comment seems to have vanished.

I actually spent five of my precious minutes looking for this site. Okay, four of those minutes were spent making a fresh cup of coffee but still, they go in the book as research minutes. Just so you know. This exhausts my research time for the entire month. Consequently, there will be no more facts presented that cannot be accidentally verified or just made up on the fly. I just don't have time.

Other "facts" that I may (or may not) have reported that are unsubstantiated include:

The iPhone cures cataracts.

Steve Jobs is the odds on favorite to take the Miami Dolphins head coaching position.

Seattle Seahawks 34 | Chicago Bears 10

If you concentrate really hard and stare at your fingernails long enough, they will grow.

Someone ate the last bag of popcorn in the cupboard and didn't put it on the grocery list.

A watched pot will boil just fine if you apply sufficient heat.

To the anonymous commenter: Thank you. I wouldn't want to be accused of irresponsible journalism. Actually, I don't want to be accused of any kind of journalism. I'm just a delinquent with passable writing skills and an internet connection, not a journalist. Sorry I lost your comment. I really didn't mean to.

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid. -P.J. O’Rourke

Breathe

Y'know I was kind of having fun with stuff that the iPhone doesn't have. It can't sync up to my Vic 20 (or my Timex-Sinclair 1000, for that matter). I can't use it as a tachometer in my MiniCooper. It won't substitute for a butter churn, doesn't have scissors or fingernail clippers. You can't connect a 3.5" floppy drive to it. Where's the mouse? It doesn't come in brown.

I thought I was just being my normal, derelict self.

The reality is that this gadget – with sufficiently advanced technology to be indistinguishable from magic – is being criticized all over the web for things it doesn't do.

One gripe: It doesn't have GPS.
Assessment: So? Which phone are you using now? Does it have GPS? LORAN? Stay on the main road, you'll find a frigging sign. It's worked for me for 50 years.

Another snivel: It won't sync with your computer via WiFi.
My take: So? Plug it in. Is that so damned hard? Come on. Besides, the Mac has the best hackers on the planet. We'll be sync'ing by August.

Oh, please: It only works with Cingular.
Get a clue: If they didn't sign something with some carrier it would have had nothing to connect to. It would have been as useless as WiFi on a Zune. So let's see, do you go with the dweeb with an entourage of hard hats, the network with the yellow ads, some dink-wad upstart buy-your-minutes-up-front carrier, or the biggest carrier in the country. Decisions, decisions.

A complaint for the sake of complaining: It only has a 2 Megapixel camera.
Don't blow your nose. You'll expel those two remaining brain cells: Hey Steve! Stop production. Oh my friggin' toenails. The iPhone won't be the camera of choice for National Geographic location shoots.

Cell phone cameras are great for throwaway snapshots. Aunt Debbie with the cat. The cat playing with a dying bird. The new sofa with cat hair, birdshit and feathers all over it. If you hire yourself out to photograph weddings that do not take place at trailer parks and truck stops, chances are you will not use a cell phone. If you're on location for Life Magazine, it's a good bet you'll make your phone calls and snap your pictures with separate devices.

The iPhone is frigging awesome. The user interface is what the 21st Century is supposed to look like. The technology crammed into that little bugger is phenomenal. And it's beautiful.

R. Buckminster Fuller once said, "When I am working on a problem, I never think about beauty but when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong."

The iPhone is beautiful.

Quit whining. Dorks.