Monday, August 06, 2007

Rip on stuff

Rip on cars

They just got a new CEO over at Chrysler. Ford hired a new CEO a few months ago.

Guys. Listen. If you want to win back the market share, learn to sell to the ME generation. We Baby Boomers want a car. I'm at the tail end of the Baby Boom, and I'm willing to tell you what we want. Get out a pen and take notes. Okay?

1. We want a sports car. We want clean, classic lines. We want a six cylinder engine with a nice growl and acceleration we can count on when we merge onto the Interstate. We want it to look cool. We don't need it to look expensive. We need room for two suitcases in the trunk so we can have enough clothes, herbal supplements, and denture adhesive for a week at our timeshare.

We don't want a shitload of chrome or a bunch of useless features we won't use. The only features we really need are a decent stereo system with an iPod dock and a comfortable ride.

When you have all that, add a price tag less than $20k. We'll buy them. Lots of them.

2. We also might want a station-wagon-like rig for our other chores. We don't need an SUV. We just need room for a few extra things for the grandkids when we take them to the timeshare.

3. If we need a pickup truck, we do not need ├╝bertruck. We just need a place to carry stuff for our weekend projects. We don't need a truck that will pull derailed train loaded with lead bricks back on to the tracks in a hail storm.

4. The people who are not smart enough to see through 4-wheel drive ads should not be allowed to buy cars. When an ad shows a vehicle towing a trailer up the side of a snow-covered cube of butter, we know you're trying to fill someone full of shit. Please stop it. We have to drive among those idiots and we hate it. Sell what it will really do. If what it will really do doesn't sell it, discontinue the Dogdamn thing.

Rip on politics

Shut UP!! Everyone covering politics, really. STFU.

Every presidential candidate is accusing every other presidential candidate of being a politician. The democrats are accusing the other democrats of being democrats and the republicans of being baby-eating vermin. The republicans are accusing the other republicans of being democrats and the democrats of being pond scum.

If we're really, really, really lucky we'll end up electing a president who focuses all of his attention on the job and ignores the polls.

Say what you want about GW. If he was focused on surveys and popularity, things would be a lot different today than they are. For those of us who like not having bombs go off in our neighborhoods, we can assume that different would be worse.

I'm not sure whether I'll vote Republican or Democrat. Really. But I'll write in PeeWee Herman before I'll vote for Hillary. Her history of lies, deceit, self-promotion, public stupidity, and general unsavoriness is frightening. She will say and do anything – anything – to promote herself.

I don't actually detest any Republicans yet. But then, individually none of them have spent as much time in the news over eight years lying and conniving. They each have a year to earn my contempt. I'm sure someone will.

Rip on FSJ

Fake Steve has been outed. Dang. I'll still read the blog. Mr. Lyons is a fun read. Funny stuff. But now it just isn't Fake Steve. It's Dan Lyons satirizing Steve Jobs. The difference is intangible, but quite real. It's like when you realize she really doesn't love you and the fifty bucks is just the price of the service. You always knew, but there was that flimsy illusion. It's still fun, but it isn't quite the same.

Thanks guys. You ruined a good thing.

Rip on the blogosphere

Give it a break, alright? Apple is going to introduce something or other tomorrow. Oh My Dog. The tech press is carrying on like the cure for herpes is about to be announced and it's chocolate-flavored. It's computer stuff. It's cool but DAMN.

Every frigging computer-centric site and blog on the whole civilized planet (including Asia, Europe, Australia, the British Virgin Islands, and parts of North Dakota) is echoing one another reporting absolutely NOTHING.

Dear fellow bloggers: You aren't going to get a scoop on an Apple event. If you do, you won't be able to type fast enough to capitalize on it. So don't waste your talent (assuming you have any). Write humorous crap that no one cares about. That way, while no one is giving a shit what you write, at least they'll be laughing with you instead of at you – you hope. Okay. I hope

I have to teach tomorrow.