Have you heard about the new Tablet Mac? Me either. I mean, not officially.
Somebody who has not been named from a company I never heard of is being quoted as a reliable source saying there's going to be a tablet from Apple. I don't know about you, but that doesn't quite reach my threshold for beginning the festivities. Don't misunderstand me; I'd love to see a tablet computer. Specifically a Mac tablet. Since I'm pretty sure Steve Jobs himself reads this blog religiously, I should publish a list of things that it should include:
- RCA plugs and optical audio out ports.
- Six USB 2.0 plugs.
- Four Firewire plugs.
- DVI, HDMI and VGA plugs; one each.
- A recipe database with at least 1000 variations of tuna noodle casserole.
- Mr. Boston's Bartender's Guide.
- A coffee warmer.
- Pistol grips (Kevlar®).
- Stain resistant cutting surface and a cheese knife.
- Phillips and standard screwdrivers.
- Serrated blade (bread knife).
- Saw blade.
- Pliers with wire-cutters.
- Nail clippers, and a small nail file.
- The complete works of Shakespeare (with English translation).
- Voice recording and recognition for automatic transcription of lectures.
- 802.11 (b,g,n,o,p,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z).
- Yottabit Ethernet.
- Bluetooth ][ (This time it's personal).
- A box of cigars.
- A white dress shirt that looks good for casual entertaining.
The OLED screen should also be a Photovoltaic power source. The batteries should be lead-acid, and create hydrogen as a byproduct of charging.
It should boot up in Leopard in a way that openly and loudly mocks Windows users in the vicinity. A startup sound should be on the order of, "My tablet is more powerful than your fucking Windows desktop piece of shit, dickweed." Perhaps a simple, "Mine works," would be sufficient, but not nearly enough fun. Actually, the mere presence of Apple hardware is enough to rile the Windows faithful.
Note to Shilton: I have been posting this blog for a frigging year. Those ass-ugly little ads have been on here the whole time. So far Google hasn't sent me a copper portrait of Lincoln. I don't have to pretend shit. Google's shitty little text ads are annoying. That is a complete definition.
Who ate the last of the pork rinds?