Sunday, November 11, 2007

Okay, Where Was I

Have you heard about the new Tablet Mac? Me either. I mean, not officially.

Somebody who has not been named from a company I never heard of is being quoted as a reliable source saying there's going to be a tablet from Apple. I don't know about you, but that doesn't quite reach my threshold for beginning the festivities. Don't misunderstand me; I'd love to see a tablet computer. Specifically a Mac tablet. Since I'm pretty sure Steve Jobs himself reads this blog religiously, I should publish a list of things that it should include:

  • RCA plugs and optical audio out ports.
  • Six USB 2.0 plugs.
  • Four Firewire plugs.
  • DVI, HDMI and VGA plugs; one each.
  • A recipe database with at least 1000 variations of tuna noodle casserole.
  • Mr. Boston's Bartender's Guide.
  • A coffee warmer.
  • Pistol grips (Kevlar®).
  • Stain resistant cutting surface and a cheese knife.
  • Corkscrew.
  • Phillips and standard screwdrivers.
  • Serrated blade (bread knife).
  • Saw blade.
  • Pliers with wire-cutters.
  • Nail clippers, and a small nail file.
  • The complete works of Shakespeare (with English translation).
  • Voice recording and recognition for automatic transcription of lectures.
  • 802.11 (b,g,n,o,p,q,r,s,t,u,v,w,x,y,z).
  • Yottabit Ethernet.
  • Bluetooth ][ (This time it's personal).
  • A box of cigars.
  • A white dress shirt that looks good for casual entertaining.
  • Software.
That's just the stuff I can think of off the top of my head. You know. The obvious things. It should be eco-friendly so as not to contribute directly to Greenpeace stupidity. The imaginary greenhouse effect is causing numerous frivolous lawsuits, and scads of meaningless legislation.

The OLED screen should also be a Photovoltaic power source. The batteries should be lead-acid, and create hydrogen as a byproduct of charging.

It should boot up in Leopard in a way that openly and loudly mocks Windows users in the vicinity. A startup sound should be on the order of, "My tablet is more powerful than your fucking Windows desktop piece of shit, dickweed." Perhaps a simple, "Mine works," would be sufficient, but not nearly enough fun. Actually, the mere presence of Apple hardware is enough to rile the Windows faithful.

Note to Shilton: I have been posting this blog for a frigging year. Those ass-ugly little ads have been on here the whole time. So far Google hasn't sent me a copper portrait of Lincoln. I don't have to pretend shit. Google's shitty little text ads are annoying. That is a complete definition.

Who ate the last of the pork rinds?