Wednesday, November 21, 2007

How to Run a Blog that Doesn't Attract Huge Mobs of Dumbasses

Over at Macworld they have a tip sheet for how to build a successful blog. A successful blog is one on which huddled, teeming masses of semi-literate retards gather to insult you and call you names for your opinions and observations. Here at the Rip Ragged blog, the definition of success is somewhat different: People who largely agree with me and can compose an English sentence show up from time to time and occasionally explain why I'm full of shit. Then we shoot the breeze in the comments for a while. In one year of writing this blog, I have fewer hits than Fake Steve Jobs gets before lunch on a slow day. With any luck at all, this post will get me over the 5,000 mark. Woo. Hoo.

Macworld talked to Anil Dash, who gets lots of hits, to find out how he does it. Their list of subheads and my major tenets are vaguely similar. They say, "Find Inspiration around You." I say, "Make Shit Up." Anil suggests that it's okay to link to other sites and videos as a reason to update your site. Nah. If you don't have anything to say, just ramble, jabber, and make fun of something. If you can't think of anything that actually exists to make fun of, make something up and make fun of that.

Anil says, "Promote, Promote," I say, "Make a pest of yourself on other blogs." The intelligent ones who share your twisted view of reality will eventually follow you and join you in ridiculing the others.

"Don't Force Updates," according to Mr. Dash. Well what the hell else are you going to do? Rearrange your iTunes playlists again? I mean, damn. As long as you're sitting there with that stupid look on your face, you might as well type something.

The next thing he says is, "Deal with Problem Commenters." Anil seems to think it's okay to edit or delete problem comments. Not me. "Squelch Dissent," is more my speed. I just rudely make fun of people who I disagree with. Especially if they have the atrocious manners to be right when I'm wrong. I hate that. The ones with good, thick hides will hang around and give as good as they get. Then we'll hold hands and sing Kumbaya around the campfire.

Anyway, I need two people to read this before 11/30/07 to get to 5,000 hits for my first year. Next year, I'm shooting for 5,100. Managed growth is the key. Of course, that lofty goal can only be reached if I don't alienate Texas.

Are you guys still with me?