Friday, March 02, 2007

A Note to Global Warming Faithful

Alternative Title: F U CN RD THS, U PRBLY HV BTR THNGS T D

For those of you who are fans of Al Gore and worship at the shrine of reduced greenhouse gases: I hope you succeed in deciding whether you personally choose to starve or freeze to death in a darkened forest. I plan to be personally responsible for as much greenhouse effect as I can manage. If you're tired of being duped by the GW people, feel free to join up.

I've found that the more CO2 I'm responsible for generating, the more personally comfortable I am. Also, consuming vast quantities of energy has produced a nice life for my family. My youngest daughter will attend college in good health and happy because she grew up in a house where there was always heat and lots to eat. Mostly meat. I'm all about me and my family being comfortable.

If saving the planet is a higher priority for you than the comfort and well-being of yourself and your family, move out of your house into a tent. Stop wearing manufactured fabric from a big, nasty, smoke belching factory. Stop wearing leather and hides. Oh the poor animals. Stop eating food processed in factories. Don't can your food in jars made in factories either. Factories are bad. Kerr jars contribute to the destruction of the planet.

Freezers consume electricity. Coal. Smoke. Carbon Dioxide. Trees and squirrels dying.

Don't eat vegetables that have been transported by truck, either.

You'll have to grow your own food. Organically of course. And eat it all before it spoils.

Never mind about health care. Modern medicine is very energy intensive. Greenhouse gases galore are created trucking all those building materials around to build hospitals and clinics and laboratories. They burn tons of fossil fuel moving pharmaceuticals from the factories to the pharmacies.

Just move your family, hungry and naked, into the woods. Live off the land. Wipe your ass with leaves.

Unless of course your first priority is the comfort and well-being of your family. Is that the case? Maybe you think that all these sacrifices won't have to be made to accomplish your utopian vision. If that's what you think, you haven't done much thinking. That is my definition of stupid. Or maybe you think it will be okay, just as long as it's other people who have to make these sacrifices. If that's okay with you, then you just hate humanity. That would meet the generally accepted criteria for "asshole."

Just in case anyone is wondering, it's March 2nd, and it's 35 frigging degrees fahrenheit outside my house. Take a look at a weather map of North America. It's cold out there. There are environmentalist whack jobs out there saying this cold is being caused by global warming. If you believe that, you are too far gone to help. You're the person they love to see in the Palmist tent at the carnival. Slack-jawed, doe-eyed, mindless drone: "Well, what if it really is global warming? We'll be screwed if we don't buy a frickin' Prius and eat some organic tofu."

Reality: Global warming is pure bullshit because they'll use it to explain a nasty winter. If there was any real science behind it at all, its proponents would at least know enough to shut the hell up when the country is buried in snow.

Here's a brief synopsis of why the theory of blaming global warming for our current weather patterns doesn't hold water. Skip this part if you can tie your shoes without help.

Cold is not caused by warming. It's cold because the temperature went down. When the temperature goes up, that's warming. See how that works?

In the summer we have semi-global warming. During this period, the southern hemisphere has winter (semi-global cooling).

In the winter (that would be now) we have semi-global cooling. The southern hemisphere is having summer (temperatures are higher; that's also known as "warming").

"But Rip," you might be thinking, "Al Gore made a movie about it. He used to be the Vice President. He must know something about it."

As a measure of scientific knowledge on a resumé, "Former Vice President of the United States of America" means exactly dick. The job of Vice President of the United States of America has no legal minimum educational requirement. None. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Squat. Zip. Goose egg. Nil. The empty set. The educational requirements to become a dental hygienist are far more stringent. Being a former vice president means that one is due a certain measure of respect and honor. It does not mean that individual has anything intelligent or useful to say. That is measured on a case by case basis.

I would rather get my science from someone whose job at least requires some formal education. Also, the fact that Al Gore honestly believes, or says he does, that global warming is the cause for our current weather leads me to think that he is either stupid, crazy, or lying.

If you're buying that crap, suit yourself. Just make sure you don't drive a gas-burning automobile to my house to snivel about my consumption. I'll let the air out of your tires and pee on your shoes.