Monday, December 31, 2007

The New iPhone

The new iPhone version (1.1.3) is the hottest new buzz on the street (except for MacWorld, Q108 earnings, and Apple's stock price hitting $200). It's going to have new features which are clearly obvious by looking at the numerous pictures available elsewhere on the interwhatchamacallit.

Of course, as with all of Apple's iPhone updates so far, firmware version 1.1.3 will break unlocking applications. It will put a moustache on pictures of your mother. It will install a laugh track to let whoever you're talking to know you made a joke and remind them to laugh. The "Whoopee cushion" will randomly sound when you sit down with the iPhone in your pants pocket. It will also erase songs recorded by Richard Marx, Kenny G, Michael Bolton, and Kitaro as well as any derivative ring tones.

It has remote refrigerator software that knows you're out of beer and calls you at work to remind you to buy a six-pack on the way home. Alternatively you can stop at a bar, meet a guy you haven't seen since high school, and get the shit kicked out of you for something rude you said to him in the locker room after gym class thirty frigging years ago. Who remembers crap like that? You'd think the guy would get over himself a little bit by now. What an asshole.

The new features of iPhone 1.1.3 are:

  • Drag and Drop
  • Pin Drop
  • Drop Out
  • Drop Kick
  • Drop Back
  • Kick Back
  • Stop, Drop, and Roll
  • French Fry Thumb Print That Won't Rub Off
  • Locate Me
  • Rescue Me
  • Take Me To The River
  • Love Me Do
  • Please Please Me
  • Touch Me
  • Play Me
  • Groove Me
  • Down On Me
  • Don't Leave Me This Way
  • Dang Me
  • Please Release Me
  • You Really Got Me
  • And it Stoned Me
  • You Belong to Me
  • You Still Touch Me
  • Tell Me Something Good
  • Take On Me
  • I'm Gonna Make You Love Me
  • Me And Mrs. Jones
  • Me and Sarah Jane
  • Me and My Arrow
  • I Can't Make You Love Me
  • She Drives Me Crazy
  • Hit Me with Your Best Shot
  • Have a Little Faith in Me
  • Mama Told Me not to Come
There will also be a voice program that auto-calls Rob Enderle, George Ou, and John Dvorak and leaves the word "jackass" on their voice mail. One call will be made to each deservee daily for each iPhone sold for each time the dipshit declared the thing D.O.A./broken/useless/doomed to fail.

Happy New Year.

Don't drink and drive. For that matter, just stay home tonight. It's amateur night. People who never drink except on 12/31 are the scariest people in the world. They're the ones out driving. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.