Thursday, December 13, 2007

It's all over. Apple is toast. Done. Kaput.

Did you read about it? Some expert over a Forrester Research says that the iPhone is just all wrong for the Enterprise market. He even gave ten reasons – according to the headline anyway.

So there you have it. If you work for a company that uses computers, you'll just have to use Win CE. Go fish. You can't have an iPhone. It won't link up to a fifteen year old overpriced piece-of-shit program badly in need of updating. Sorry. Punk. Don't blame me. Forrester Research called it. I'm just passing on the word. But hey, don't take it too hard. I was reading somewhere that Microsoft says the next version of Windows is going to blow away the iPhone. It'll have way better touch interface, a cleaned up and shinier Apple logo, and everything. So, you know, just be patient.

If history means anything, you'll need the patience of a Cubs fan going through airport security with nine ADHD kids and a hearing impaired mother-in-law. As near as anyone can tell, there'll be two presidential elections between now and the next Windows version. Then add a year or two for SP1 to come out and make most of the features actually work without rebooting between tries.

Over on the Forbes site they predicted that Apple is losing momentum, too. They didn't say it like that. They reported that some analyst named "Tim" couldn't see Apple introducing any new hardware for a couple of years. He said their Research and Development resources are limited. And he's right, too. Apple's R&D resources are limited to $15.4 billion in the near term. Based on "Tim" not being able to guess what Apple will do next, Forbes reported that Apple probably won't do anything important in the hardware arena.

I'll bet Steve Jobs read that article, slammed his fist on the table, and said, "Damn. We're screwed. 'Tim' doesn't see a path forward in hardware for us." His Steveness will probably lay awake an extra seven or eight seconds worrying. Damn you, "Tim."

Then Forbes speculated – as blindly as everybody else on the interwebs – about what might be introduced at MacWorld. Here's a partial list of possible products, services, and software that Mr. Steve is predicted to release and/or introduce at MacWorld:

Tablet computer
OS X 10.5.2
New HD-based iPod
New Flash-based iPod
New Flash-based notebook/tablet/subsandwich
Bento 1.0
Tablet for indigestion
iTunes 8.0
Movie rentals
More movies for sale
More TV shows for sale (including "The Newlywed Game" complete 30 DVD set. "That would have to be in the butt, Bob.")
Bluetooth enabled torque wrench
Love for sale
DRM-less music
Steve Jobs' successor (Justin Timberlake)
iPod Pico and iPod Femto
Apple book reader (Kindle knock-off thingy - as if.)
HyperCard, Shufflepuck Cafe, and Dark Castle for OS X

That's only a partial list. Some of the other speculation out there just isn't reasonable.

I'm going to bed now.