MacWorld Expo Preview

The definitive preview:

Steve Jobs will wear a black mock turtleneck and jeans for the keynote address. He will say, "amazing," and "pretty cool" several times, and, "one more thing" at least once.

Product introductions:

iPan: All-purpose kitchen appliance. Fries, sautes, boils, bastes, braises, downloads bacon grease, butter, or extra virgin olive oil with a broadband connection, and has a multi-don't-touch surface.

iBod: Sleekly designed exercise device that fits in a pocket or attaches to a clip designed especially for Joe Boxer underwear. Provides a full aerobic, resistance, and yoga routine. Tracks blood sugar, HDL, LDL, triglycerides, blood pressure, pulse, respiration, perspiration, liver enzymes, and quality of bowel movements using a combination of infrared, ultrasound, and Bluetooth. Sends data to Bento, Nike.com, and Atkins Online wirelessly. Also tracks musical preference and sends data to Universal, Warner, and Sony-BMG, so they'll know what you aren't about to buy anywhere but iTunes (Neener. Neener. Neener.).

iMod: Men's clothing line, designed by Jon Ive, based on the attire featured on the cover of Who Are You (1978).

iRod: Digital overpaid short stop action figure.

Of course everyone knows His Steveness will introduce a tablet computer, an upgraded iPhone, a new iPod, and iTunes 8.0 Ultra (for extra body and shine).

The new tablet will run the same OS X version that runs on the iPhone. Besides the apps on the iPhone it will also have Microsoft Word version 5.1 (the one that didn't suck), Talking Moose, Crystal Quest, and Easy Envelopes.

The new iPhone will have 3, 4, 5, and 6G capability, 32 Gb of storage, WiFi syncing with any device programmed in binary and not running Windows, and a universal remote control. The remote will control any electrical device including kitchen appliances, power tools, Christmas lights, hearing aids, instrument amplifiers, radio controlled models, lamps, cars built since 1997, and heated socks. It will also have, available as an option, a handset from a Western Electric dial phone.

The new iPod will do everything the new iPhone will do except make phone calls and function as an adjunct to foreplay.

iTunes 8.0 will have content from everybody who recognizes the best digital media storefront on the web, and is smart enough to use it. It'll be cooler than 7.x, of course.

I'll just bet Bento 1.0 hits the street, for real.

Also, I think I heard something about a new Intel processor. There'll be something about Macs in there someplace, too. Bound to be.

Did you hear a noise? No? Hmm. Must be the voices again.