The MacWorld Keynote: Revealed

That thing on Wikipedia was so lame. LAME.

I'm not at liberty to give away the entire keynote address. I promised I wouldn't. But here are a few tidbits that you need to know about.

The iLamp

It turns on only when you want it. The moment you don't want it, the light goes out. It just knows. How does it know? You just reach up and turn that little knob, and somehow the system translates that into changing the light intensity. The very first iLamp will have three different levels of light intensity controlled by one knob. Multi-touch on steroids, baby.

The Lockdown is over.

Starting Tuesday, you can buy, rip or download a non-DRM mp3 or AAC encoded audio track from any source and play it on your iPod or iPhone. Also, starting Tuesday, iTunes will offer full compatibility with tracks downloaded from Amazon.

New Macs

Continuing another long-standing exclusive Apple tradition, this year's Macs will have faster processors than last year's. These are dizzying times for a fanboy.

Other New Hardware

I'll bet you the rest of the bacon-and-onion dip there's something about something that isn't a Newton, but looks a lot like a Newton would look if it had been evolving in Apple's dungeon for 14 years.

Upgraded Software

As if faster processors and new hardware weren't enough, Apple will be upgrading all of its software. Including OS X 10.5 and iTunes. Again. I know. This one is hard to believe. Wow. I mean, didn't they just do that? Man!

Something about the iPhone

This keynote Mr. Steve is going to talk about something related to the iPhone. Sure it's "MacWorld," and sure everybody is getting just a little burned out on all the "iPhone" talk, but hey, there's a whole new world of fanboys out there. Can't just leave 'em hanging, can we?

New and Improved iPods

Yeah. Duh. Don't forget, you'll be able to fill 'em up with the mp3s you bought from eMusic and WalMart online now that the big lock-down is over.

The Last MacWorld

Next year it will be the Apple Expo. Let's face it, this is the "one more thing" after CES, anyway - this year's technology. This is the stuff that everybody will be trying make last year's technology look like at next year's CES – and failing. Think I'm kidding? Check this out.

Take that, Cringely.

Seahawks: 42
Packers: 13

Remember: you read it here, first. Unless, of course, you had something useful to do with your time like bathe the cat, or dust the trophy case.

John Kerry did not endorse this post.